 |
| It's already here! You're next! YOU'RE NEXT! |
The first three focused around Edward Carnby, a private detective who often found himself in paranormal situation. In 2001, the series was restarted, with Edward as a official paranormal investigator, who was investigating the death of his friend on a mysterious island, and uncovers a plot to take over the world. Of course! The fifth game in the series was released in 2008, and has nothing to do with the fourth one, and is technically a sequel to the original trilogy.
Anyway, we're not here to talk about the games, but the movie of the same name.
In case your wondering why I didn't say "based on", it's because this movie is directed by Uwe Boll. And if you don't know who Uwe Boll is... Good.
To be honest, I feel like reviewing this is kinda pointless. No, not the nostalgia critic review, but this article by Blair Erickson.
The film starts with a two minute text scroll, which is narrated to you. If your going to have a prologue, have it either be a text scroll or dialogue, not both! What makes it worse is that the prologue could have easily been told while the story was being told. In fact it is. I'm not kidding, they repeat what the prologue said during the film.
Now, after you've aged ten years while waiting for the prologue to end, we get a flashback!
Oh god. A flashback? Whats next, an annoying monologuing charact-
 | |
| "The night was dark...And I was alone..." |
...
Fuck.
Prologues, flashbacks, or narrators, while they can be used for the powers of good, are usually created because the person writing the script is ten.
The scroll of text tells you that there was once a tribe of Native Americans called the Abkani who died out. I have no idea why this is a big deal, but apparently it is. It also says that Bureau 713 is a US paranormal agency, and that there was a experiment where orphaned children were experimented on and turned into half man, half bear, and half pig. Show of hands, who wants to see Edward vs. Manbearpig.
What does this have to do with the plot? NOTHING!
The flashback shows a Catholic orphanage, where an old Dr. Quest is taking 20 kids, by striking a deal with the Nun. Whats the deal? Uh...er...giving her steel rulers? One kid runs off, and we see him hiding a eletricity box, and then, flashback over.
Technically the next scene is Edward on a plane, talking with a kid, but screw it, it has even less to do with plot then the next scene.
Edward is picked up by a hippie in a taxi, and we learn that Edward is a paranormal investigator. Another taxi is following them, and the hippie attempts to lose hm, but he crashes, mainly because Edward tells him to drive into a market filled with people. I have no idea why Ed thought that would be a good idea, the car was too close behind them to provide a benefit, and actually hinders them. Especially considering it turns out to be a dead-end.
What follows is the most nonsensical fight scene in the world. After leaving the hippie in the cab to die, he runs away, and during this time, the taxi chaser runs up the stairs, onto a bridge, jumps off it, and lands on Edward, all in slow motion. yeah, that takes a full minute. Taxi man is then thrown through a window, who then smashes through door, and jumps through another window to tackle Ed, who finally falls to the floor, and taxi man grabs a rock from Eds pocket. Then Ed does a back flip, FROM THE GROUND, ON HIS BACK. Okay, it was cool looking, but it was physically impossible, and some characters can pull it off, but when Carnby does it, it feels off. They then enter a...a...I have no idea, all i know is that there's ice on conveyor belts,. Ed shoots taxi guy, but he just looks annoyed that his shirt now has holes in it. After stupid stunts, Ed kicks taxi guy onto a box with fish and a pointy stick, which kills him. Somehow.
It doesn't matter how I describe the fight scene, it will still sound rushed and weird. Because it is.
After that...we suddenly switch scenes. yeah, expect those words to be repeated alot.
We're on a boat in the evening, despite the fact it was noon last scene. Here, all we see is Dr. Quest on it talking with the captain, and a box being lifted out of the water.
Scene change! Now we're in a museum with a blond chick, who talks with some delivery dudes, which tell us about the Abkani.
Scene change! Now we're with Edward walking home, who looks like he's being followed. But he isn't. Unless you count the cameraman.
Okay, I can't keep the scene changes straight anymore, I'm going to just organize it by character.
Old Dr. Quest is locked in the room by the greedy captain, because the box they found was made out of gold. When the captain unlocks it, a monster emerges and kills them all. Oh yeah, it's night now, despite the next scene change shows it's noon in the city scenes. Space is broken, time is warped, left is right, and the cake is true. Uwe Boll still sucks though.
Quest somehow gets out of his locked room, and finds everybody dead and the ship docked. At this point, I'm surprised that Uwe Boll still remembers that this scene is on a boat.
At the museum, we see blonde...and nothing happens. I'm serious, until she meets Edward, her scenes are pointless.
Edward is at his home, and he lives in a furniture warehouse. He monologues somemore, and then his decoder ring artifact which he suddenly has, and it emits a ring, which causes him to fall over, and causes some people to stop what there doing and...walk off the movie. Okay.
Ed learns of the people who disappeared, and talking with his buddy from Bureau 713, and learns that...
You know what, screw it, it doesn't matter, lets skip forward.
Edward goes to the museum after learning that all the people who disappear came from the orphanage Ed was in. He finds blonde, who hugs him, and then slaps him. Blonde and Edward are supposed to be a couple, and then Ed left, but it's never stated in the movie. So where did Carnby go? Hell if i know, that's not important enough for the film.
After learning that the ring was found in different parts of the world, there attacked. How the hell did Native Americans bury the pieces of the decoder ring all over the world? No answer? I hate this movie...
Edward and blonde are then attacked by a Xenomorph from Aliens, and then Bureau 713 comes in and saves the day. Here are some of the worse props I've ever seen. At the end of the fight, a guy with a labtop comes up and says, "scanners clear!". I had no idea Dell labtops could sense aliens. Oh, and all the soldiers body armor have abs.
After this, Edward goes see his friend from 713, who tells him about the creature he fought. Called a Xeno, these creatures appear all over the world, and light, gold, magnesium, and phosphorous are deadly to them. They also disrupt electricity, causing flickering lights, but the closer the light to the power source, the less disruptions, which is a really lame excuse to keep the flashlights but make everything else flicker. Eds friend gives him some magnesium bullets, which are bullets, with LED lights. Uwe Boll doesn't know what magnesium is, does he?
When I heard what the monster were called, I expected the final fight to be against a queen and all the soldiers to equip flamethrowers.
Blonde and Edward go back to his place, and they start making out. I don't think Walmart will be happy when they come to pick up their bed.
And then, monsters attack. Just like that. The fight is incredibly boring, expect for the fact that the Xenos act like there drunk, brawling into walls, running full speed into doors. oh, and a couple dozen evil people come in and try to kill them too.
I get that these people are supposed to be the orphans who were experimented on, but there was only 19. but you see alot of people, more then 19.
713 comes in again and some get killed by people who are completely unarmed. yeah, 713 sucks at its job.
Here is the scene that this movie is infamous for. Edward shoots at some evil lady, and the bullet leaves the gun, and it PASSES OVER HER HEAD, but she falls down dead. Looking at this scene carefully, you see a bullet being fired behind Edward, which goes much faster and is smaller then Eds bullet. the next scene shows the smaller bullet hit the woman, along with a spray of blood, but it's so small you'll miss it if you don't slow it down. I think one of the digital effects people got fed up with the film and put in there against Bolls wishes.
This starting to suck away my will to live, so I'm going to finish it up.
They go to an island, 713 sets up a defense, Edward and blonde goes in the mine, 713 gets attacked and killed by Xenos despite the fact the have miniguns with LED bullets, and Edward finds that the orphan experiment was funded by 713, they accidentally open up a doorway into hell where a whole bunch of Xenos are waiting, they blow up the entrance, run away, and escape to the orphanage which is conveniently next to a exit in the mine. Oh, and Dr. Quest was in charge of the experiments, but I have no idea why he wanted to open the door. And Edward finds that the Nun killed herself by carving crosses on her wrists. uh...deep? oh, and it turns out that the entire USA has now disappeared. Everyone's gone, expect for Ed and blonde. No, i have no idea what happened.
That's Alone in the Dark, a confusing jumble of events, where the only plot is that there's a gateway underground. If you wan to get this movie to laugh at it, don't. if you have friends, yeah, it'll be funny at first, but as you dwell on it, it will drive you mad. Mad! MAD! MMMMAAAADDDD!!
We're on a boat in the evening, despite the fact it was noon last scene. Here, all we see is Dr. Quest on it talking with the captain, and a box being lifted out of the water.
 | |
| This is 70% of the moive. |
Scene change! Now we're with Edward walking home, who looks like he's being followed. But he isn't. Unless you count the cameraman.
Okay, I can't keep the scene changes straight anymore, I'm going to just organize it by character.
Old Dr. Quest is locked in the room by the greedy captain, because the box they found was made out of gold. When the captain unlocks it, a monster emerges and kills them all. Oh yeah, it's night now, despite the next scene change shows it's noon in the city scenes. Space is broken, time is warped, left is right, and the cake is true. Uwe Boll still sucks though.
Quest somehow gets out of his locked room, and finds everybody dead and the ship docked. At this point, I'm surprised that Uwe Boll still remembers that this scene is on a boat.
At the museum, we see blonde...and nothing happens. I'm serious, until she meets Edward, her scenes are pointless.
Edward is at his home, and he lives in a furniture warehouse. He monologues somemore, and then his decoder ring artifact which he suddenly has, and it emits a ring, which causes him to fall over, and causes some people to stop what there doing and...walk off the movie. Okay.
Ed learns of the people who disappeared, and talking with his buddy from Bureau 713, and learns that...
You know what, screw it, it doesn't matter, lets skip forward.
Edward goes to the museum after learning that all the people who disappear came from the orphanage Ed was in. He finds blonde, who hugs him, and then slaps him. Blonde and Edward are supposed to be a couple, and then Ed left, but it's never stated in the movie. So where did Carnby go? Hell if i know, that's not important enough for the film.
After learning that the ring was found in different parts of the world, there attacked. How the hell did Native Americans bury the pieces of the decoder ring all over the world? No answer? I hate this movie...
Edward and blonde are then attacked by a Xenomorph from Aliens, and then Bureau 713 comes in and saves the day. Here are some of the worse props I've ever seen. At the end of the fight, a guy with a labtop comes up and says, "scanners clear!". I had no idea Dell labtops could sense aliens. Oh, and all the soldiers body armor have abs.
After this, Edward goes see his friend from 713, who tells him about the creature he fought. Called a Xeno, these creatures appear all over the world, and light, gold, magnesium, and phosphorous are deadly to them. They also disrupt electricity, causing flickering lights, but the closer the light to the power source, the less disruptions, which is a really lame excuse to keep the flashlights but make everything else flicker. Eds friend gives him some magnesium bullets, which are bullets, with LED lights. Uwe Boll doesn't know what magnesium is, does he?
When I heard what the monster were called, I expected the final fight to be against a queen and all the soldiers to equip flamethrowers.
Blonde and Edward go back to his place, and they start making out. I don't think Walmart will be happy when they come to pick up their bed.
 |
| Here's a bunny to take the pain away |
I get that these people are supposed to be the orphans who were experimented on, but there was only 19. but you see alot of people, more then 19.
713 comes in again and some get killed by people who are completely unarmed. yeah, 713 sucks at its job.
Here is the scene that this movie is infamous for. Edward shoots at some evil lady, and the bullet leaves the gun, and it PASSES OVER HER HEAD, but she falls down dead. Looking at this scene carefully, you see a bullet being fired behind Edward, which goes much faster and is smaller then Eds bullet. the next scene shows the smaller bullet hit the woman, along with a spray of blood, but it's so small you'll miss it if you don't slow it down. I think one of the digital effects people got fed up with the film and put in there against Bolls wishes.
This starting to suck away my will to live, so I'm going to finish it up.
They go to an island, 713 sets up a defense, Edward and blonde goes in the mine, 713 gets attacked and killed by Xenos despite the fact the have miniguns with LED bullets, and Edward finds that the orphan experiment was funded by 713, they accidentally open up a doorway into hell where a whole bunch of Xenos are waiting, they blow up the entrance, run away, and escape to the orphanage which is conveniently next to a exit in the mine. Oh, and Dr. Quest was in charge of the experiments, but I have no idea why he wanted to open the door. And Edward finds that the Nun killed herself by carving crosses on her wrists. uh...deep? oh, and it turns out that the entire USA has now disappeared. Everyone's gone, expect for Ed and blonde. No, i have no idea what happened.
That's Alone in the Dark, a confusing jumble of events, where the only plot is that there's a gateway underground. If you wan to get this movie to laugh at it, don't. if you have friends, yeah, it'll be funny at first, but as you dwell on it, it will drive you mad. Mad! MAD! MMMMAAAADDDD!!
No comments:
Post a Comment