The Zombie Survival Guide

No pirate guide?

Zombies are one of those things that modern culture, or at least Americans, are obsessed about, like ninjas and pirates, or ninjazombiepirates.   Now, I don't get ninjas and pirates, because there simply criminals/spys in a different location, which somehow makes them more awesome.

But this is about the zombies.  Now, I think there awesome, because they don't show fear, pain, or anything that would cause them to back down.  That, is terrifying.  Of course, fast zombies have lost that frighting ability, but are actually dangerous, so I guess it's a fair trade.

Anyway, today I'm reviewing The Zombie Survival Guide.  Before I discuss it, this is meant as a serious fictional guide, unlike the majority, which is meant to be humorous.  Because of this, I will be strict on how realistic the facts are going to be.  So, lets see how we'll fair when zombies attack.

The book is meant as a prequel to World War Z, written by the same guy, and in a interview he said he did a lot of research in politics and history to see what different countrys would do against zombies.  Well, I hope for that books sake he didn't do the same for this book.

The book starts out with a short explanation of the Zombie virus and its history, called Solanum.  Solanum can only infect living humans, and in 20 hours, the subject will be dead, and in 23 hours, the person will be a zombie.  It can only infect through liquids, but it's extremely contagious, meaning an accidentally brushing of wound will cause the virus to spread, and, of course, there's no treatment for it, asides from a bullet in the brain pan, squish.

Solanum turns the brain into a independent organism, and no, it doesn't rip its way out of the skull, and move around eating people, as awesome as that sounds.  What I mean, is that it doesn't need oxygen, nutrients, or anything else to survive.  As such, any damage to the flesh will be ignored, only a shot to the brain will kill it.  Zombies have the same strength and senses as a human, but they don't need rest, so they can continue pulling on that steel bar until its pulled down.  In terms of senses, Solanum seems to unlock hidden capabilities seen only the blind.  Most humans depend on sight to get around, and hearing and smell is neglected.  For zombies, all of these senses are in constant use, meaning they have "better" hearing and smell then a human.  Of course, they feel no pain, are stupid enougth to shamble off a broken bridge if a human is on the other side and not learn from their mistake, and moves at one step every two seconds.  Zombies also don't hunt as groups, will be attracted by anything bright or loud, and will wander around until they find food.  One last thing: Solanum makes the zombie incredibly resilient to decomposition, meaning they fully decompose in three to five years, and animals refuse to eat them. 

Before I move on, I have to say this: Max Brooks knows what he's doing when he's talking about training, looking for telltale signs of a zombie outbreak in the news, and also his explanation for zombies in general.  However, as we go into weapons, this credibility will start circling the drain.

I think I'm going to sne-*BOOM

The weapon chapter starts out with a short account of a zombie attacked witnessed by a bunch of mercenarys.  They find 30 of these ghouls in the plains, and they open fire, not knowing to aim for the head.  One of them fires a rocket launcher and it goes... through...him.  Dude, some of these explosives are so sensitive that a feather will set them off, and even if this one isn't that sensitive, rotting flesh is quite a bit harder, not to mention larger surface area, then a feather.  Even if we ignore that, then it would hit a bone.  Not probably, it definitely would.

So, after that, Max gives you the 5 rules to obey with any weapon, and they are once again, well thought out and good.  However, he then says that you shouldn't use melee weapons, although you should always have one when something goes wrong.  Ok, while the danger of being infected is greater the closer you are, the most common method is getting bitten, and all other ways can be greatly reduced or removed by wearing gloves, and making sure all parts of your body is covered.  Also, if the average zombie moves at most a quarter the walking speed of a human, and can barely climb a ladder, you could probably just lean backwards to avoid their punches.  So, really, close combat wouldn't be that dangerous.  Hell, it might be easier to kill a zombies that way, considering skulls can actually block bullets, albeit in rare cases.

With that out of the way, the rest of the melee weapons is unfortunately small.  There separated into blunt and edged weapons, which means each weapon only gets one sentence.  The blunt weapon section is the most accurate, but the edged weapon is where it becomes obvious he didn't do much research.  It goes pretty well until he starts talking about swords.  He discounts short swords altogether, because of there lack of reach and also lack of accuracy and swinging power, but two paragraphs later, is saying that the roman gladius is a good weapon, along with a machete.  Oh, and he also says the Katana is the best two handed sword to have.  Ok, first off, the gladius is made for stabbing things.  If you want to decapitate something, get a better sword.  Also, the Japanese don't have any materiel to make...anything, so if you do have a katana, it will probably shatter after prolonged use.  I can think of a better anti-zombie weapons...

Anyway, onto the  ranged weapons, crossbows and stuff.  Meh, no real complaints here.

Now onto the guns.  And WOW, did this guy know nothing about them.  First off, he has a little obsession about them.  He goes into every type of gun you might run across, including assault rifles, machine guns, submachine guns, pistols, .22 calibers, and rifles.  Although he discounts weapons with autofire, which is a smart move, he doesn't include bullet size.  larger bullets have bigger inertia, meaning they can pierce the skull easier, while they also are affected by wind and air resistance more.  He should have went into that, and talked about which bullet caliber would be best to use.  for example, a .22 caliber would only pierce the skull when shot dead on, like if your facing a zombie, it only pierce if you shot the center forehead.  Oh yeah, and he's talking about pistols, he says ignore them, not for there shorter range, less accuracy, or lack of stopping power, but because when you hold one in one hand, it's less accurate.  Well, in that case, HOLD IT WITH BOTH HANDS.  Also, the first rule is obey the legal system, basically don't choose illegal weapons, no matter what.  Well, in some countrys, pistols are the only legal gun someone can have.  Oh yeah, and he also claims that silencers make a gun almost impossible to hear.  That's not true, all they do is remove/lessen the sound of the gas being released, the bullet being launched and hitting a target is still around.

oh, I love this section.  Here he talks about what type of armor is good against zombies, and he claims there's only one: tight clothes and short hair, so zombies don't grab you.  Yes, we have armor that can stop assault rifle rounds, but to stop the strength of the human jaw, something which can't even break through bone, and that is where technology stops!  Seriously, just wear some Kevlar plating, which he lists, and he claims it can stop knife blades and guard dogs, but his says you shouldn't wear it because...because...it might actually keep you alive?

After that... Well, asides from the fact that he believes bullets can explode fuel tanks, It actually gives good advice.  From defending your home, to finding a new base, to surviving in a undead world, Max gives some well thought out strategys, mainly focusing around planning things out.

At least until the end, when he starts listing zombie outbreaks throughout history.  It contradicts alot of things he said, like someone killing 12 zombies in a mere minute with a cavalry sword, on his horse, and sometimes zombies move alot faster then they should, and in some occasions can climb, which something that no zombie should do, or at least do it well.

Basiclly, the stupidity this guy tells you about any sort of item is astounding for a professional zombie survival guide, but everything else is well thought out, which makes it even more annoying.  Only if your a real zombie nut will you want to pay the full price for it.

Sahara

Gee, this looks familiar..

 (First off, sorry about it being late.  School started, and other stuff happened.  Yeah, ok, I have no real excuse)

Yes, I have decided to review places now.  I never said I was just reviewing entertainment!  Well, the Sahara is extremely large.  And sandy.  It's in Africa.

Naw, I'm just screwing with you.  This is Sahara, the film.
It's based off the book of the same name, which it follows pretty closely, and it really shouldn't have.  I'll get into that later.

I guess the best way to start with the movie is the credits.  The camera moves around this incredibly crowded room, starting off with a wall covered in postcards, which introduce you to the characters and there history.  This sequence is fantastic, if a little long.

The plot of Sahara follows Dirk Pitt and Al Giordino, two childhood friends who joined the Navy and became Navy seals together, and are currently working for the National Underwater and Marine Agency, or NUMA.  No, I'm not going to do it.  I'm not going to type the lyrics for the numa numa song.  I have SOME standards.

Anyway, these two are off to find a lost Confederate ironclad ship, the USS Texas, which was rumored to have been wrecked in the Sahara.  Pretty nice plot, right?  It's just two guys looking for a wreck.

Well, there's another plot tacked onto the side, which is obviously a afterthought, an afterthought that isn't needed.  It follows an World Health Organization, aka, WHO doctor.

No, not that one.

Her name is Eva Rojas, and her only point in this entire film is to have boobs.  She is investigating a mysterious illness that is spreading across Northern Africa.  Along the way, she gets attacked by some men, and even get ambushed by the military at one point.  Can't really tell you more, but it turns out the if she doesn't stop the disease, it will kill the entire world.  It might sound like she does alot, but all of this is actually figured out by Dirk.

The two plots have no place being in the same room together, let alone the same script.  Well, I'll go on to why later.

Well, might as well move onto the characters.  Dirk is a rather badass archaeologist, and is also a really cool character.  Eva does have a personality, but it's easily the weakest in the film.  What really saves the movie is Al.  Al, is hilarious.  He's the best character in sidekick history.  Like Dirk, he is also a badass, but he's also funny, and he actually has a point in the plot!

There are also two antagonists, Yves Massarde and General Kazim.  Yves is a generic evil businessmen, who is, depending on the plot, truly evil, or just stupid.  General Kazim is your generic African dictator.  If Yves had coherent writing, he would be a good villain, because in some cases it's shown he's not really evil.  It's either Kazim ordering him to do something, or he panics.

We can't stop here!  This is bat country!

I realize that I might have given the opinion that the writing is awful if the plot is so bad.  It isn't.  The dialogue is pretty good and funny, and the scenes are well written.  The problem is that the plot of the book is just terrible.  Hell, the book had a sub-plot that the movie didn't include was that the USS Texas had a Union prisoner, who was Abraham Lincoln.  Do I even have to tell you how that's stupid?  I can hold my disbelief enough so that a Ironclad can, completely by accident, sail into Africa, and up into the Sahara Desert, but not for the president being captured and no one noticing that he has been replaced by an actor!  That is how stupid it is!

The action is good too, having Al and Dirk doing some awesome, and at times hilarious moves.

I like this movie, even if the plot is badly written.  So, if it's good, why don't you know about it?  Well, it cost 160$ million dollars, and it made 100$ million. Inception, which was released 5 years later, cost the same amount, 100 of which was marketing.  So, why was the cost so high?  Well, the writer of the Dirk series of books, which includes Sahara, sued the film, probably because it was, you know, written well.

Spoilers: The "disease" is in fact chemicals in the river, which has a lot of metals in it.  Also, the records of a city on the mouth of the river, they have a entry where a strange ship sailed up it, and people started dying.  Ha!  You actually fell that red herring!  No, really, the Ironclad has nothing to do with it, the poisoning of the river is caused by a new solar powered chemical disposal plant.  So, why was it called ship of the dead?  I mean, it could be coincidence, a plague hit at the same time as the ship did, but it would be nice if Dirk presented that theory.  Anyway, Dirk, Al and Eva meet a group of people who are fighting Kazim, where they find cave paintings of an Ironclad.  Wait...Why didn't the freedom fighters know about this, if it was in their village?  And why was it in cave paintings?  Now, I have no idea about the history of Africa, but it's a pretty good bet that 150 years ago they didn't live in caves.  Here's the best part, it turns out that 150 years ago, a river was in the Sahara.  Yeah, while the Sahara was a lush forest in the past, it was before the ice ages.  SO, either that's one REALLY old ship, or the author wrote himself into a corner.  Dirk claims that the river  is now underground.  Well, first of all, where did it go?  Dirt can only hold so much, and water can only go through so much dirt.  And if the river did go underground, it would need a cave system, something which the Sahara isn't known for.  Unless the cave system the river was in was extremely deep, then the Sahara desert wouldn't be a desert anymore, which would probably leave it out of reach of chemical seepage. Anyway, I've only NOW finished with the Ironclad plot, and it's already so long that I can't really go into the chemical plant plot, but believe me, it's worse.

If you think you can withstand the plot, then I suggest you watch this movie.  It's really good.

Have you heard of the awsome that is...

FIREFALL?

Shut up.  I don't have a problem.

Okay, in all seriousness, this is the fastest transformation of normal guy to fan I've ever seen.  And it happened to me.  By the end of this video, I was a slobbering, brainwashed, gollum like creature, worshiping the developers of this game.  I refuse to review a game where I'm a fan, since it will be a glorified version, not the actual version.

Well, this game is going to be free to play and get, and is a "skill-based" MMO, which I have been looking for ever since the destruction of Global Agenda, so I presume that is why I became a fan so quickly.  I'm desperate for a MMO that actually requires skill instead of grinding for loot.

Ok, the MMOs I play aren't loot based, like City of Heroes, or Champions Online, but they still depend greatly level.  Global Agenda didn't, but it's actually more loot based now then World of Warcraft.

The official website: HERE

The wiki, which actually compiles information better then the website: HERE

The end is nigh!

Duke Nukem forever is coming out, Kesha has learned how to sing(not really), and I hugged somebody.  The world is coming to an end!  Run for you lives!  stock up on food and useless relatives you could use as bait for zombies!  Build the bomb shelters!  Get as many DVDs as you can!  Play as many survival horror games as you can!  Also make a bucket list, that would be a good idea.

The top 5 worse game bosses

Your playing a game, and just when your in reach of your goal, someone snatchs it away.  As you progress through the game, foiling his plans, destroying his armies, you finally face him.  You stand heroically and... he falls over dead.  What!

Yes, the boss in most games is a force to be reckoned with, but some just don't deliver the goods.  So, here are the five worst end bosses.  NOTE: These submissions are more like different categorys of bad bosses rather then one example, as are all my top 5 lists.   Oh yeah, and spoilers below.

5: Half Life: Nilhilanth

I guess they thought a giant alien fetus in a hover chair would be threatening.

In Half-Life, you play as Gorden Freemen, a scientist who gets caught up in an "accident" at a secret facility known as Black Mesa.  This Accident created portals from a strange world called Xen, and pulled creatures from there to here.  Gorden managed to close the portals, but something was keeping them open, and he was sent to Xen to kill the thing keeping the portals open.

Alot of people disliked Xen, but I liked it.  Going into a completely different world, one where rules of biology, and even physics were different was fascinating.  Fighting through monstrous creatures, and even some sort of alien base, Gorden keeps on hearing a alien voice, taunting him, until he reaches a huge red crystal.  He approachs it, and is teleported to a huge cavern, where...a giant fetus is floating.

In fairness, Nilhilanth was kinda challenging.  Not only did you need to use bouncy pads to hit his weak spots, if you stopped moving, kiss 50 hitpoints goodbye.  Oh, and he kept on teleporting enemys.  But, for a boss, I will drop my blindness to graphics.  Bosses are supposed to be threatening looking, and hopefully scary.

4: Prey: Mother

This flying electric wheelchair can be yours for only 399!

Imagine the death star.  Now turn into a living organism.  Now give complete control of it to one person, and you would get Mother.

Mother was once human, when the Sphere came to harvest all living things off of earth.  Fighting her way to the the center of it, she found the creature who controlled the sphere, and it gave control over to her.  She agreed, since this was the only way for her to save her planet, but the Sphere corrupted her, and she became that thing she fought so hard to kill.  And sorry for the picture, she's nude and I thought it would be safer showing the shielded version.  Just google mother prey boss.

Wait, getting ahead of myself.  The Sphere is a giant orb of living flesh, with giant cities built in it and on it, which goes around eating entire planets, or at least the life on the planet.  The Sphere is inhabited by Keepers, aliens who...control it?  I have no idea.  The relationship between the Sphere and the Keepers is not really touched upon, but they seem to serve Mother, and there minions will occasionally fight against the Sphere.  You play as Tommy, a native American who is at odds with his grandfather, who embraces their native American heritage.  He is captured by the Sphere, and originally his goal is to just rescue his girlfriend, screw the rest of the world.  Of course, that all changes when...naw, play the game to find out.

Anyway, Mother will taunt you the entire way, and it's obvious she plans you to replace her.  When you finally meet her, well, it's a little disappointing.  She's in a sphere with TV screens on it.  you need to shoot the screens with your spirit arrow, and then shoot them with your guns.  when there all gone, your spirit animal, Talon, will sacrifice himself to teleport you and Mother to a huge Xen-like island. 

And wow, is it easy.  She's shielded, but there's mines around that you can explode to knock her out, which you can then wail on her with everything you've got.  The only attack she has is shooting you with plasma blasts.  The first time I fought her, it took less then three minutes.  That's longer then the first boss, in fact, the first boss you face is tougher then her, he has a more powerful attack, bigger health, and multiple attacks.

3: Borderlands: The Destroyer

This is what happens when you leave food in the fridge for too long

 The whole "plot" of Borderlands was focused around getting four pieces of the key for the Vault, said to hold unimaginable riches.  The Vault was built by the eridians, a extinct alien race which helped advance humanity several centuries, when they discovered a small weapons cache.

However, when you get there, expecting a huge fight with local Atlas(generic evil corp) forces, the Vault opens and The Destroyer comes out.  As you can see, he is quite formidable.  I was terrified when I saw him.

And then we fought.  And dear god, was it boring.  Why?  Well, it's health is extremely high, I spent more then fifteen minutes killing this thing, the only breaks between shooting were reloading  It's attack is also high, although it's not anything you haven't see before, although it only has two attacks, trying to spear you with its tongue, and eyebeams.  The only reason you have any trouble, is the frigging time!  You take so much time, that your bound to get hit.  To make it worse, the destroyer has two tentacles wrapped around two pillars, which you can shoot at... behind cover.  


The Destroyer isn't fun.  It's a regular enemy, with extremely high health and firepower, which does not make a fun boss. 

2: Elder Scrolls Oblivion: Mehrunes Dagon

Oh my god, Sloth has cracked.

Mehrunes Dagon was a immortal Daedric prince, who controlled Oblivion, a hell dimension.  This guy attempts to invade the world of Elder Scrolls, and he succeeds.  He destroys a city without the country being alerted, and kills almost everybody in it.  Heck, he invades and nearly destroys Imperial city, the greatest and most well protected city in the entire world.

Wow, this guy sounds awesome!  Well, look at Mehrunes Dagon.  He's large, but compared to the Daedric foot soldiers at his command, he looks really generic.  He looks like the goblins around the world.  Making something large is a really bad attempt to make them look intimidating and all-powerful.  Also, why can't he wear clothes?  Do immortals don't get pants?  

 Ok, so he doesn't look like his reputation, but he must fight like it, right?  Well, better ask one of the programmers, because you don't get to fight him.  Yep, you spend the entire main quest learning how evil and powerful Mehrune is, and no boss fight!  That's like telling someone how you make a mean waffle, and when they ask you to make one, you say you don't have the ingredients to.

What happens is that your supposed to run past him, get into a church, and then the final cut scene starts.  And the final cutscene pulls a resolution right out of its ass.


Ok, The entire plot is that the Emperor was killed, and without a successor, the dragon fires can't be lit.  And the dragon fires keep Oblivion at bay.  So you search for a fabled bastard child of the Emperor out in the middle of nowhere, hoping to find him before Oblivion does.  Of course, it's never explained why only the royal bloodline can do this, or how they got this ability.  Anyway, the plot resolution is that the royal amulet is in fact a religious symbol of the dragon god, and the royal family can call upon it, which the new Emperor does, and for some reason this turns him into a dragon, who then kills the IMMORTAL Oblivion Prince.  And then the Emperor turns back to normal, and then to stone, because that's the price to pay to SAVE ALL REALITY.  Seriously, this god killed the new Emperor, when all of reality was at stake!  Oh, and without a emperor to keep the dragon fires lit, Oblivion will be back again.  What a dick... 

1: Final Fantasy Seven: Sephiroth

He's a FABULOUS villain!

Ok, I'll admit it.  I've never played a Final Fantasy game.  But I've watched my brother play the whole seventh game, and yes, I know it's not the same thing, but to understand why Sephiroth sucked as a boss, you don't have to.


First of all, look at him!  I know this is his second boss form, but his first isn't much better.  It looks like a giant statue, and moves like one too.  I know any FF game has terrible monsters, but this one is just...I mean come on!  You couldn't have thought this looked cool.

This version of him has the attack that BLOWS UP OUR SOLAR SYSTEM.  Read that again.  And how much damage does it do?  Well, it does gravity damage, which brings you down to about 10% health when full, but does practically no damage below that.  So either alot, or none at all, but it's the sun, going fucking SUPERNOVA!  That should be a full party wipe!  Also, it takes more then a minute for him to do his attack, and he will do it at least three times.  He's also really easy, both forms take less time then the combined supernova cutscenes.

Sephiroths evil plan was to create a wound in the planet, which it would bring  life energy to the wound, which he would then absorb, becoming a god.  Yeah the planets literally alive.  To be honest, that's a good villain plan.  Of course, in classic Sqaure Enix fashion, they ruin it by having Sephiroth bring down a comet to cause the wound, which means really he could just plant a couple tons of explosives in the ground.  Or, just dig down twenty feet to get at the life force, which is a physical substance, by the way.  Oh, and it turns out if you drink the life force, you get poisoned.  Uh, anyway, Sephiroth goes to a crater to get the life force and become a god.  Before the meteor hits...

Anyway, you've faced Sephiroth before, but they were Genova clones! Which makes no sense!  She's some sort of space creature thing which has no baring on the plot.  In fact, you face THE Genova right before Sephiroths fight, and she's a better boss.  She looks better, and is more fun to fight.  To make matters worse, in the TWO HOUR trek to Sephiroth, you encounter a little wind-up penguin toy, which is the only enemy in the game that has a instant kill attack, and was harder to kill then the end boss.

To make the final battle even more anti-climatic, those Sephiroth forms you killed?  They were illusions.  And the REAL one you faced, was the one in a black void, which you killed in one hit...Of course!

Yeah, while this was being written, the writers mom died.  It shows.

(If it turns out I'm wrong about FF7 and Oblivion, sorry in advance.)

Just Cuase 2

Isn't everything more awesome if you attach a gun to it?

After watching The Expendables, my mind started to drift towards Just Cause 2.  Why?  Because the Expendables is Just Cause 2: The movie!

Just Cause 2 is the sequel to Just Cause, but don't worry, they aren't direct sequels.  They use the same characters and universe, but it doesn't take place right afterwards.  I would talk more about the original, but I know very little about it, so moving on.

The story of Just Cause focuses on Rico Rodriguez, an agent for the Agency(CIA).  He specializes in regime changes, taking out tyrants in third world countrys so the Agency can put in governments loyal to the USA.  Rico is sent to Panu to track down his friend and mentor, Tom Sheldon.  Sheldon was in the Asian island of Panua, investigating why the tyrant of Panua, Baby Panay, suddenly severed his ties with the USA.  However, Sheldon suddenly stopped communicating with the Agency, forcing the Agency to believe that he went rouge.  To find Sheldon, Rico will have to get in deep with the criminal elements of Panua.

Sound familiar?  Like, oh... Golden Eye?  The plot is every single James Bond film and action cliche put in a blender.  Which then exploded.  And it is AWESOME.  Whats great about the plot, is that it doesn't even try to take itself seriously.

This is exemplified by the characters, who are a bunch of stereotypes.  Although there are several, the prominent ones are Rico, Sheldon, and Baby Panay.  Rico is half James Bond, half Scorpion from Mortal Combat, and half awesome.  Sheldon is the American stereotype, also known as the Texan stereotype.  Baby Panay is...well...

Get your hands off my lucky charms!

Yeah.

Anyway, the island is huge.  And I mean HUGE, like 250 square kilometers of land or more.  Not only that, the environments are varied too.  Although most of it is jungle, some is a normal city, snowy mountains, and rocky deserts.  The villages and towns also change in appearance, in the mountains there giant Asian castles, and in the desert there vaguely Arabic.  That's not to say that only the towns are interesting, there's other stuff around the island, like ruins, wrecks, and dead whales.

Also, there's alot of vehicles here, 104 in total.  Most can be found driving around, and only a couple are found "hidden" all over the island.  The vehicles include cars, trucks, boats, bikes, helicopters, and airplanes, ranging from civilian to military vehicles.  The driving mechanics are also incredibly realistic, and by that I mean hard.  Most vehicles drive fine on roads, and even dirt ones, but off road, most civilian ones are nearly uncontrollable.  Most driving games have cars that turn on a dime, which isn't how cars work.  Even better, the airplanes act like cars that fly.  What I mean is that there's only four directional controls: up and down, and spinning the plane right or left.  It's hard to control the plane this way, but really fun and realistic.  However, it's almost impossible to shoot with them this way.

The weapons you have available are small, but the ability to choose a left and right hand weapon makes the selection seem larger.  You can call a helicopter belonging to the black market to drop off vehicles and weapons.  Here you can go to towns you already visited and upgrade the vehicles and weapons here.  You find weapon and vehicle upgrade parts in towns, and as rewards for completing missions.  

This sums up Just Cause 2 in one picture.

But what do you use these guns and vehicles for?  Well, the gameplay is this: Explosions.  Either causing them or watching them.  You see, to progress in the game, you need to blow things up, which causes Chaos, which unlocks missions and stuff on the black market.  However, this also causes heat, which will bring soldiers to try to kill you.  It's repetitive, but it's really fun.  

Well, there is one game mechanic that stops the repetitiveness.  The grappling hook, with 75 meters(247 feet!)of rope, which is just awesome.  You can pull people to you, cling to building, slingshot your way from danger, and leap from car to car with it.  Even better, you can dual grapple, which will link to objects together, so you can attach a soldier to a moving car, a plane to a statue, or a guy to an explosive barrel.  It's awesome.

The graphics are good, and the animations are excellent, especially considering that most game companys don't bother with them that much.  Also, as you get farther away, models become less detailed, instead of just disappearing.

If you always wanted to star in an action movie, play this game.  If you like shooters, play this game.  If you can turn off your brain for the duration of it, play this game!  Seriously, try it out.  It has a extremely good demo, expect for the time limit, and that can be deactivated with a pacth.

Star Wars: A New Hope

Ahh, Star Wars.  Everybody knows and loves this series.

Well, expect me.  Don't get me wrong, I love A New Hope, but The Empire Strikes Back was mediocre, and the Return of the Jedi was kinda bad.  All three are still miles above the pre-trilogy.

Anyway, despite what George Lucas claims, Star Wars was originally a stand alone film, and only after sequels were announced was its name changed to a New Hope, and Lucas started claiming that he had all six scripts in his head since day one.

To make it worse, Lucas has been making small changes to his movies ever since they were released, meaning the original shown in movie theaters is probably worth thousands.

Heh.  Comb the desert.

The version I have is the DVD collection, with the most obvious changes being added CGI effects, all of which are unnecessary and distracting, and in one case even hurts the plot.  For example, during the scene where stormtroopers are combing the sand, he added lizard mounts to the scene, and this doesn't add anything to the scene.  It's distracting the way the lizards walk and no one pays attention to them, and the constant groans they make.

Even worse, after the Greedo scene, Han Solo meet Jabba outside the Millennium Falcon.  But wait, Greedo said that Jabba was done talking with him.  So is Jabba looking for him, as well as sending out bounty hunters.  Oh, and the CGI Jabba looks worse then the animatronic Jabba.

Star Wars is a mix of sci fi and fantasy, and the setting is what I call a junker future, where instead of the normal shiny smooth ships and buildings they're clunky and dirty.  As far as I know, this was the first time a major motion picture featured either of these.

Well, we've spent forever setting this up, onward to the review!

The first piece of business to address is the prologue.  First off, prologues like this are a sign that the person writing, really shouldn't.  There almost always pointless, and, this is a movie.  you know, moving pictures?  All I see are moving words.  Ugh, and the text.  If it goes more then a third up the screen, I can't see it, because of that stupid slant.  Also, why is it in space?  Is there a natural phenom that creates giant words?  What are they called?  Exposition holes?  Oh man, imagine the headlines...  "Today, an Imperial Destroyer was caught in a comma."

Anyway, might as well start on the ship design.  As stated previously, there clunky and industrial, and I love it.  They look great, and it kinda gives the impression that life isn't good this decade.  In terms of special effects, they also look realistic, ironically more realistic then the later CGI effects.

The costumes are pretty bad.  Not as bad as Star Trek, but come on, the stormtroopers look like they were wrapped in plastic.  The sand-people look even worse.  What was Lucas trying to do with them?

Dance Luke.  Dance for Lucas.

Speaking of costumes, let move onto the characters, and dear god are they two dimensional.  Seriously, Luke is kind, friendly, and hates the Empire.  And that's it.  You could call him rash, but it only appears when the plot says so.  Obi Wan doesn't really have a personality.  He's just...wise.  These are two major characters!  Lukes Uncle, who we never learn the name of, has more personality.  He doesn't want Luke to leave, because he cares about Luke, he disapproves of the Jedi, doesn't mind if he breaks the laws if it helps him, and is ruthless in a business setting.


So why hasn't this been pointed out before?  One word: Actors.  Seriously, this is frigging great acting here.  It's so good that it actually fills in the character holes.  For example, when R2D2 says hello to Luke, Luke responds, but it's in a tone of voice that says he's just humoring the droid.  And I don't give Lucas enough credit to write that in there.

Speaking of Luke, why DOES he hate the Empire?  No answers?  Really?  Seriously, The first evil act is them boarding a ship with incredibly sensitive information aboard it.  Then they kill people who have been in contact with the droids who carry it.  Ok, extreme actions, but it's actually reasonable.  I mean, this information could break the Empires back.  And then they...blow up a planet.  What!  Why?  They say it's a demonstration, but, Jesus, it's a space station, THE SIZE OF A MOON.  In fact, I would call it more like a ship, since it can move, and presumably enter hyperspace.  It has an fleet of ships on it, and thousands of turrets on it.  Believe me, you don't need a demonstration.  In the expanded universe, the Empire is responsible for several genocides on non-humans.  But we don't see that in the film.

Lets talk about something else in the star wars uinverse: Slavery.  The droids in Star Wars are obviously sentient.  They can make decisions on there own, R2D2 and C3P0 got out of the ship on their own, and yes, R2D2 did it on orders, but C3P0 did it of his own free will.  So why is it these guys are sold to an owner?  Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this...

The story is...well...it's...I don't have a problem with it.  I mean, it's basicly just some kid joins a terrorist organization and takes down a military citadel, but it's not bad.  Or at least it wouldn't be if the writing wasn't terrible.


In case you can't tell by now, there's alot of plot holes and lack of explanation.  Lucas, I love your ideas, but please.  Stop writing.  Put down the pen.