Sunday, September 12, 2010

The top 5 worse game bosses

Your playing a game, and just when your in reach of your goal, someone snatchs it away.  As you progress through the game, foiling his plans, destroying his armies, you finally face him.  You stand heroically and... he falls over dead.  What!

Yes, the boss in most games is a force to be reckoned with, but some just don't deliver the goods.  So, here are the five worst end bosses.  NOTE: These submissions are more like different categorys of bad bosses rather then one example, as are all my top 5 lists.   Oh yeah, and spoilers below.

5: Half Life: Nilhilanth
I guess they thought a giant alien fetus in a hover chair would be threatening.
In Half-Life, you play as Gorden Freemen, a scientist who gets caught up in an "accident" at a secret facility known as Black Mesa.  This Accident created portals from a strange world called Xen, and pulled creatures from there to here.  Gorden managed to close the portals, but something was keeping them open, and he was sent to Xen to kill the thing keeping the portals open.

Alot of people disliked Xen, but I liked it.  Going into a completely different world, one where rules of biology, and even physics were different was fascinating.  Fighting through monstrous creatures, and even some sort of alien base, Gorden keeps on hearing a alien voice, taunting him, until he reaches a huge red crystal.  He approachs it, and is teleported to a huge cavern, where...a giant fetus is floating.

In fairness, Nilhilanth was kinda challenging.  Not only did you need to use bouncy pads to hit his weak spots, if you stopped moving, kiss 50 hitpoints goodbye.  Oh, and he kept on teleporting enemys.  But, for a boss, I will drop my blindness to graphics.  Bosses are supposed to be threatening looking, and hopefully scary.

4: Prey: Mother

This flying electric wheelchair can be yours for only 399!
Imagine the death star.  Now turn into a living organism.  Now give complete control of it to one person, and you would get Mother.

Mother was once human, when the Sphere came to harvest all living things off of earth.  Fighting her way to the the center of it, she found the creature who controlled the sphere, and it gave control over to her.  She agreed, since this was the only way for her to save her planet, but the Sphere corrupted her, and she became that thing she fought so hard to kill.  And sorry for the picture, she's nude and I thought it would be safer showing the shielded version.  Just google mother prey boss.

Wait, getting ahead of myself.  The Sphere is a giant orb of living flesh, with giant cities built in it and on it, which goes around eating entire planets, or at least the life on the planet.  The Sphere is inhabited by Keepers, aliens who...control it?  I have no idea.  The relationship between the Sphere and the Keepers is not really touched upon, but they seem to serve Mother, and there minions will occasionally fight against the Sphere.  You play as Tommy, a native American who is at odds with his grandfather, who embraces their native American heritage.  He is captured by the Sphere, and originally his goal is to just rescue his girlfriend, screw the rest of the world.  Of course, that all changes when...naw, play the game to find out.

Anyway, Mother will taunt you the entire way, and it's obvious she plans you to replace her.  When you finally meet her, well, it's a little disappointing.  She's in a sphere with TV screens on it.  you need to shoot the screens with your spirit arrow, and then shoot them with your guns.  when there all gone, your spirit animal, Talon, will sacrifice himself to teleport you and Mother to a huge Xen-like island. 

And wow, is it easy.  She's shielded, but there's mines around that you can explode to knock her out, which you can then wail on her with everything you've got.  The only attack she has is shooting you with plasma blasts.  The first time I fought her, it took less then three minutes.  That's longer then the first boss, in fact, the first boss you face is tougher then her, he has a more powerful attack, bigger health, and multiple attacks.

3: Borderlands: The Destroyer
This is what happens when you leave food in the fridge for too long
 The whole "plot" of Borderlands was focused around getting four pieces of the key for the Vault, said to hold unimaginable riches.  The Vault was built by the eridians, a extinct alien race which helped advance humanity several centuries, when they discovered a small weapons cache.

However, when you get there, expecting a huge fight with local Atlas(generic evil corp) forces, the Vault opens and The Destroyer comes out.  As you can see, he is quite formidable.  I was terrified when I saw him.

And then we fought.  And dear god, was it boring.  Why?  Well, it's health is extremely high, I spent more then fifteen minutes killing this thing, the only breaks between shooting were reloading  It's attack is also high, although it's not anything you haven't see before, although it only has two attacks, trying to spear you with its tongue, and eyebeams.  The only reason you have any trouble, is the frigging time!  You take so much time, that your bound to get hit.  To make it worse, the destroyer has two tentacles wrapped around two pillars, which you can shoot at... behind cover.  


The Destroyer isn't fun.  It's a regular enemy, with extremely high health and firepower, which does not make a fun boss. 



2: Elder Scrolls Oblivion: Mehrunes Dagon
Oh my god, Sloth has cracked.
Mehrunes Dagon was a immortal Daedric prince, who controlled Oblivion, a hell dimension.  This guy attempts to invade the world of Elder Scrolls, and he succeeds.  He destroys a city without the country being alerted, and kills almost everybody in it.  Heck, he invades and nearly destroys Imperial city, the greatest and most well protected city in the entire world.

Wow, this guy sounds awesome!  Well, look at Mehrunes Dagon.  He's large, but compared to the Daedric foot soldiers at his command, he looks really generic.  He looks like the goblins around the world.  Making something large is a really bad attempt to make them look intimidating and all-powerful.  Also, why can't he wear clothes?  Do immortals don't get pants?  

 Ok, so he doesn't look like his reputation, but he must fight like it, right?  Well, better ask one of the programmers, because you don't get to fight him.  Yep, you spend the entire main quest learning how evil and powerful Mehrune is, and no boss fight!  That's like telling someone how you make a mean waffle, and when they ask you to make one, you say you don't have the ingredients to.

What happens is that your supposed to run past him, get into a church, and then the final cut scene starts.  And the final cutscene pulls a resolution right out of its ass.


Ok, The entire plot is that the Emperor was killed, and without a successor, the dragon fires can't be lit.  And the dragon fires keep Oblivion at bay.  So you search for a fabled bastard child of the Emperor out in the middle of nowhere, hoping to find him before Oblivion does.  Of course, it's never explained why only the royal bloodline can do this, or how they got this ability.  Anyway, the plot resolution is that the royal amulet is in fact a religious symbol of the dragon god, and the royal family can call upon it, which the new Emperor does, and for some reason this turns him into a dragon, who then kills the IMMORTAL Oblivion Prince.  And then the Emperor turns back to normal, and then to stone, because that's the price to pay to SAVE ALL REALITY.  Seriously, this god killed the new Emperor, when all of reality was at stake!  Oh, and without a emperor to keep the dragon fires lit, Oblivion will be back again.  What a dick... 

1: Final Fantasy Seven: Sephiroth
He's a FABULOUS villain!
Ok, I'll admit it.  I've never played a Final Fantasy game.  But I've watched my brother play the whole seventh game, and yes, I know it's not the same thing, but to understand why Sephiroth sucked as a boss, you don't have to.


First of all, look at him!  I know this is his second boss form, but his first isn't much better.  It looks like a giant statue, and moves like one too.  I know any FF game has terrible monsters, but this one is just...I mean come on!  You couldn't have thought this looked cool.

This version of him has the attack that BLOWS UP OUR SOLAR SYSTEM.  Read that again.  And how much damage does it do?  Well, it does gravity damage, which brings you down to about 10% health when full, but does practically no damage below that.  So either alot, or none at all, but it's the sun, going fucking SUPERNOVA!  That should be a full party wipe!  Also, it takes more then a minute for him to do his attack, and he will do it at least three times.  He's also really easy, both forms take less time then the combined supernova cutscenes.

Sephiroths evil plan was to create a wound in the planet, which it would bring  life energy to the wound, which he would then absorb, becoming a god.  Yeah the planets literally alive.  To be honest, that's a good villain plan.  Of course, in classic Sqaure Enix fashion, they ruin it by having Sephiroth bring down a comet to cause the wound, which means really he could just plant a couple tons of explosives in the ground.  Or, just dig down twenty feet to get at the life force, which is a physical substance, by the way.  Oh, and it turns out if you drink the life force, you get poisoned.  Uh, anyway, Sephiroth goes to a crater to get the life force and become a god.  Before the meteor hits...

Anyway, you've faced Sephiroth before, but they were Genova clones! Which makes no sense!  She's some sort of space creature thing which has no baring on the plot.  In fact, you face THE Genova right before Sephiroths fight, and she's a better boss.  She looks better, and is more fun to fight.  To make matters worse, in the TWO HOUR trek to Sephiroth, you encounter a little wind-up penguin toy, which is the only enemy in the game that has a instant kill attack, and was harder to kill then the end boss.

To make the final battle even more anti-climatic, those Sephiroth forms you killed?  They were illusions.  And the REAL one you faced, was the one in a black void, which you killed in one hit...Of course!

Yeah, while this was being written, the writers mom died.  It shows.

(If it turns out I'm wrong about FF7 and Oblivion, sorry in advance.)

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