The reviews are on hold for now...

Should have posted this early, but I've been busy.  Lots of homework, namely my Senior Dissertation.  So yeah, no reviews until January, or at the the most sporadic updates until then.  Okay, kinda  my fault, I'm a terrible procrastinator.  But anyway, sorry guys.

The Zombie Survival Guide

No pirate guide?

Zombies are one of those things that modern culture, or at least Americans, are obsessed about, like ninjas and pirates, or ninjazombiepirates.   Now, I don't get ninjas and pirates, because there simply criminals/spys in a different location, which somehow makes them more awesome.

But this is about the zombies.  Now, I think there awesome, because they don't show fear, pain, or anything that would cause them to back down.  That, is terrifying.  Of course, fast zombies have lost that frighting ability, but are actually dangerous, so I guess it's a fair trade.

Anyway, today I'm reviewing The Zombie Survival Guide.  Before I discuss it, this is meant as a serious fictional guide, unlike the majority, which is meant to be humorous.  Because of this, I will be strict on how realistic the facts are going to be.  So, lets see how we'll fair when zombies attack.

The book is meant as a prequel to World War Z, written by the same guy, and in a interview he said he did a lot of research in politics and history to see what different countrys would do against zombies.  Well, I hope for that books sake he didn't do the same for this book.

The book starts out with a short explanation of the Zombie virus and its history, called Solanum.  Solanum can only infect living humans, and in 20 hours, the subject will be dead, and in 23 hours, the person will be a zombie.  It can only infect through liquids, but it's extremely contagious, meaning an accidentally brushing of wound will cause the virus to spread, and, of course, there's no treatment for it, asides from a bullet in the brain pan, squish.

Solanum turns the brain into a independent organism, and no, it doesn't rip its way out of the skull, and move around eating people, as awesome as that sounds.  What I mean, is that it doesn't need oxygen, nutrients, or anything else to survive.  As such, any damage to the flesh will be ignored, only a shot to the brain will kill it.  Zombies have the same strength and senses as a human, but they don't need rest, so they can continue pulling on that steel bar until its pulled down.  In terms of senses, Solanum seems to unlock hidden capabilities seen only the blind.  Most humans depend on sight to get around, and hearing and smell is neglected.  For zombies, all of these senses are in constant use, meaning they have "better" hearing and smell then a human.  Of course, they feel no pain, are stupid enougth to shamble off a broken bridge if a human is on the other side and not learn from their mistake, and moves at one step every two seconds.  Zombies also don't hunt as groups, will be attracted by anything bright or loud, and will wander around until they find food.  One last thing: Solanum makes the zombie incredibly resilient to decomposition, meaning they fully decompose in three to five years, and animals refuse to eat them. 

Before I move on, I have to say this: Max Brooks knows what he's doing when he's talking about training, looking for telltale signs of a zombie outbreak in the news, and also his explanation for zombies in general.  However, as we go into weapons, this credibility will start circling the drain.

I think I'm going to sne-*BOOM

The weapon chapter starts out with a short account of a zombie attacked witnessed by a bunch of mercenarys.  They find 30 of these ghouls in the plains, and they open fire, not knowing to aim for the head.  One of them fires a rocket launcher and it goes... through...him.  Dude, some of these explosives are so sensitive that a feather will set them off, and even if this one isn't that sensitive, rotting flesh is quite a bit harder, not to mention larger surface area, then a feather.  Even if we ignore that, then it would hit a bone.  Not probably, it definitely would.

So, after that, Max gives you the 5 rules to obey with any weapon, and they are once again, well thought out and good.  However, he then says that you shouldn't use melee weapons, although you should always have one when something goes wrong.  Ok, while the danger of being infected is greater the closer you are, the most common method is getting bitten, and all other ways can be greatly reduced or removed by wearing gloves, and making sure all parts of your body is covered.  Also, if the average zombie moves at most a quarter the walking speed of a human, and can barely climb a ladder, you could probably just lean backwards to avoid their punches.  So, really, close combat wouldn't be that dangerous.  Hell, it might be easier to kill a zombies that way, considering skulls can actually block bullets, albeit in rare cases.

With that out of the way, the rest of the melee weapons is unfortunately small.  There separated into blunt and edged weapons, which means each weapon only gets one sentence.  The blunt weapon section is the most accurate, but the edged weapon is where it becomes obvious he didn't do much research.  It goes pretty well until he starts talking about swords.  He discounts short swords altogether, because of there lack of reach and also lack of accuracy and swinging power, but two paragraphs later, is saying that the roman gladius is a good weapon, along with a machete.  Oh, and he also says the Katana is the best two handed sword to have.  Ok, first off, the gladius is made for stabbing things.  If you want to decapitate something, get a better sword.  Also, the Japanese don't have any materiel to make...anything, so if you do have a katana, it will probably shatter after prolonged use.  I can think of a better anti-zombie weapons...

Anyway, onto the  ranged weapons, crossbows and stuff.  Meh, no real complaints here.

Now onto the guns.  And WOW, did this guy know nothing about them.  First off, he has a little obsession about them.  He goes into every type of gun you might run across, including assault rifles, machine guns, submachine guns, pistols, .22 calibers, and rifles.  Although he discounts weapons with autofire, which is a smart move, he doesn't include bullet size.  larger bullets have bigger inertia, meaning they can pierce the skull easier, while they also are affected by wind and air resistance more.  He should have went into that, and talked about which bullet caliber would be best to use.  for example, a .22 caliber would only pierce the skull when shot dead on, like if your facing a zombie, it only pierce if you shot the center forehead.  Oh yeah, and he's talking about pistols, he says ignore them, not for there shorter range, less accuracy, or lack of stopping power, but because when you hold one in one hand, it's less accurate.  Well, in that case, HOLD IT WITH BOTH HANDS.  Also, the first rule is obey the legal system, basically don't choose illegal weapons, no matter what.  Well, in some countrys, pistols are the only legal gun someone can have.  Oh yeah, and he also claims that silencers make a gun almost impossible to hear.  That's not true, all they do is remove/lessen the sound of the gas being released, the bullet being launched and hitting a target is still around.

oh, I love this section.  Here he talks about what type of armor is good against zombies, and he claims there's only one: tight clothes and short hair, so zombies don't grab you.  Yes, we have armor that can stop assault rifle rounds, but to stop the strength of the human jaw, something which can't even break through bone, and that is where technology stops!  Seriously, just wear some Kevlar plating, which he lists, and he claims it can stop knife blades and guard dogs, but his says you shouldn't wear it because...because...it might actually keep you alive?

After that... Well, asides from the fact that he believes bullets can explode fuel tanks, It actually gives good advice.  From defending your home, to finding a new base, to surviving in a undead world, Max gives some well thought out strategys, mainly focusing around planning things out.

At least until the end, when he starts listing zombie outbreaks throughout history.  It contradicts alot of things he said, like someone killing 12 zombies in a mere minute with a cavalry sword, on his horse, and sometimes zombies move alot faster then they should, and in some occasions can climb, which something that no zombie should do, or at least do it well.

Basiclly, the stupidity this guy tells you about any sort of item is astounding for a professional zombie survival guide, but everything else is well thought out, which makes it even more annoying.  Only if your a real zombie nut will you want to pay the full price for it.

Sahara

Gee, this looks familiar..

 (First off, sorry about it being late.  School started, and other stuff happened.  Yeah, ok, I have no real excuse)

Yes, I have decided to review places now.  I never said I was just reviewing entertainment!  Well, the Sahara is extremely large.  And sandy.  It's in Africa.

Naw, I'm just screwing with you.  This is Sahara, the film.
It's based off the book of the same name, which it follows pretty closely, and it really shouldn't have.  I'll get into that later.

I guess the best way to start with the movie is the credits.  The camera moves around this incredibly crowded room, starting off with a wall covered in postcards, which introduce you to the characters and there history.  This sequence is fantastic, if a little long.

The plot of Sahara follows Dirk Pitt and Al Giordino, two childhood friends who joined the Navy and became Navy seals together, and are currently working for the National Underwater and Marine Agency, or NUMA.  No, I'm not going to do it.  I'm not going to type the lyrics for the numa numa song.  I have SOME standards.

Anyway, these two are off to find a lost Confederate ironclad ship, the USS Texas, which was rumored to have been wrecked in the Sahara.  Pretty nice plot, right?  It's just two guys looking for a wreck.

Well, there's another plot tacked onto the side, which is obviously a afterthought, an afterthought that isn't needed.  It follows an World Health Organization, aka, WHO doctor.

No, not that one.

Her name is Eva Rojas, and her only point in this entire film is to have boobs.  She is investigating a mysterious illness that is spreading across Northern Africa.  Along the way, she gets attacked by some men, and even get ambushed by the military at one point.  Can't really tell you more, but it turns out the if she doesn't stop the disease, it will kill the entire world.  It might sound like she does alot, but all of this is actually figured out by Dirk.

The two plots have no place being in the same room together, let alone the same script.  Well, I'll go on to why later.

Well, might as well move onto the characters.  Dirk is a rather badass archaeologist, and is also a really cool character.  Eva does have a personality, but it's easily the weakest in the film.  What really saves the movie is Al.  Al, is hilarious.  He's the best character in sidekick history.  Like Dirk, he is also a badass, but he's also funny, and he actually has a point in the plot!

There are also two antagonists, Yves Massarde and General Kazim.  Yves is a generic evil businessmen, who is, depending on the plot, truly evil, or just stupid.  General Kazim is your generic African dictator.  If Yves had coherent writing, he would be a good villain, because in some cases it's shown he's not really evil.  It's either Kazim ordering him to do something, or he panics.

We can't stop here!  This is bat country!

I realize that I might have given the opinion that the writing is awful if the plot is so bad.  It isn't.  The dialogue is pretty good and funny, and the scenes are well written.  The problem is that the plot of the book is just terrible.  Hell, the book had a sub-plot that the movie didn't include was that the USS Texas had a Union prisoner, who was Abraham Lincoln.  Do I even have to tell you how that's stupid?  I can hold my disbelief enough so that a Ironclad can, completely by accident, sail into Africa, and up into the Sahara Desert, but not for the president being captured and no one noticing that he has been replaced by an actor!  That is how stupid it is!

The action is good too, having Al and Dirk doing some awesome, and at times hilarious moves.

I like this movie, even if the plot is badly written.  So, if it's good, why don't you know about it?  Well, it cost 160$ million dollars, and it made 100$ million. Inception, which was released 5 years later, cost the same amount, 100 of which was marketing.  So, why was the cost so high?  Well, the writer of the Dirk series of books, which includes Sahara, sued the film, probably because it was, you know, written well.

Spoilers: The "disease" is in fact chemicals in the river, which has a lot of metals in it.  Also, the records of a city on the mouth of the river, they have a entry where a strange ship sailed up it, and people started dying.  Ha!  You actually fell that red herring!  No, really, the Ironclad has nothing to do with it, the poisoning of the river is caused by a new solar powered chemical disposal plant.  So, why was it called ship of the dead?  I mean, it could be coincidence, a plague hit at the same time as the ship did, but it would be nice if Dirk presented that theory.  Anyway, Dirk, Al and Eva meet a group of people who are fighting Kazim, where they find cave paintings of an Ironclad.  Wait...Why didn't the freedom fighters know about this, if it was in their village?  And why was it in cave paintings?  Now, I have no idea about the history of Africa, but it's a pretty good bet that 150 years ago they didn't live in caves.  Here's the best part, it turns out that 150 years ago, a river was in the Sahara.  Yeah, while the Sahara was a lush forest in the past, it was before the ice ages.  SO, either that's one REALLY old ship, or the author wrote himself into a corner.  Dirk claims that the river  is now underground.  Well, first of all, where did it go?  Dirt can only hold so much, and water can only go through so much dirt.  And if the river did go underground, it would need a cave system, something which the Sahara isn't known for.  Unless the cave system the river was in was extremely deep, then the Sahara desert wouldn't be a desert anymore, which would probably leave it out of reach of chemical seepage. Anyway, I've only NOW finished with the Ironclad plot, and it's already so long that I can't really go into the chemical plant plot, but believe me, it's worse.

If you think you can withstand the plot, then I suggest you watch this movie.  It's really good.

Have you heard of the awsome that is...

FIREFALL?

Shut up.  I don't have a problem.

Okay, in all seriousness, this is the fastest transformation of normal guy to fan I've ever seen.  And it happened to me.  By the end of this video, I was a slobbering, brainwashed, gollum like creature, worshiping the developers of this game.  I refuse to review a game where I'm a fan, since it will be a glorified version, not the actual version.

Well, this game is going to be free to play and get, and is a "skill-based" MMO, which I have been looking for ever since the destruction of Global Agenda, so I presume that is why I became a fan so quickly.  I'm desperate for a MMO that actually requires skill instead of grinding for loot.

Ok, the MMOs I play aren't loot based, like City of Heroes, or Champions Online, but they still depend greatly level.  Global Agenda didn't, but it's actually more loot based now then World of Warcraft.

The official website: HERE

The wiki, which actually compiles information better then the website: HERE

The end is nigh!

Duke Nukem forever is coming out, Kesha has learned how to sing(not really), and I hugged somebody.  The world is coming to an end!  Run for you lives!  stock up on food and useless relatives you could use as bait for zombies!  Build the bomb shelters!  Get as many DVDs as you can!  Play as many survival horror games as you can!  Also make a bucket list, that would be a good idea.

The top 5 worse game bosses

Your playing a game, and just when your in reach of your goal, someone snatchs it away.  As you progress through the game, foiling his plans, destroying his armies, you finally face him.  You stand heroically and... he falls over dead.  What!

Yes, the boss in most games is a force to be reckoned with, but some just don't deliver the goods.  So, here are the five worst end bosses.  NOTE: These submissions are more like different categorys of bad bosses rather then one example, as are all my top 5 lists.   Oh yeah, and spoilers below.

5: Half Life: Nilhilanth

I guess they thought a giant alien fetus in a hover chair would be threatening.

In Half-Life, you play as Gorden Freemen, a scientist who gets caught up in an "accident" at a secret facility known as Black Mesa.  This Accident created portals from a strange world called Xen, and pulled creatures from there to here.  Gorden managed to close the portals, but something was keeping them open, and he was sent to Xen to kill the thing keeping the portals open.

Alot of people disliked Xen, but I liked it.  Going into a completely different world, one where rules of biology, and even physics were different was fascinating.  Fighting through monstrous creatures, and even some sort of alien base, Gorden keeps on hearing a alien voice, taunting him, until he reaches a huge red crystal.  He approachs it, and is teleported to a huge cavern, where...a giant fetus is floating.

In fairness, Nilhilanth was kinda challenging.  Not only did you need to use bouncy pads to hit his weak spots, if you stopped moving, kiss 50 hitpoints goodbye.  Oh, and he kept on teleporting enemys.  But, for a boss, I will drop my blindness to graphics.  Bosses are supposed to be threatening looking, and hopefully scary.

4: Prey: Mother

This flying electric wheelchair can be yours for only 399!

Imagine the death star.  Now turn into a living organism.  Now give complete control of it to one person, and you would get Mother.

Mother was once human, when the Sphere came to harvest all living things off of earth.  Fighting her way to the the center of it, she found the creature who controlled the sphere, and it gave control over to her.  She agreed, since this was the only way for her to save her planet, but the Sphere corrupted her, and she became that thing she fought so hard to kill.  And sorry for the picture, she's nude and I thought it would be safer showing the shielded version.  Just google mother prey boss.

Wait, getting ahead of myself.  The Sphere is a giant orb of living flesh, with giant cities built in it and on it, which goes around eating entire planets, or at least the life on the planet.  The Sphere is inhabited by Keepers, aliens who...control it?  I have no idea.  The relationship between the Sphere and the Keepers is not really touched upon, but they seem to serve Mother, and there minions will occasionally fight against the Sphere.  You play as Tommy, a native American who is at odds with his grandfather, who embraces their native American heritage.  He is captured by the Sphere, and originally his goal is to just rescue his girlfriend, screw the rest of the world.  Of course, that all changes when...naw, play the game to find out.

Anyway, Mother will taunt you the entire way, and it's obvious she plans you to replace her.  When you finally meet her, well, it's a little disappointing.  She's in a sphere with TV screens on it.  you need to shoot the screens with your spirit arrow, and then shoot them with your guns.  when there all gone, your spirit animal, Talon, will sacrifice himself to teleport you and Mother to a huge Xen-like island. 

And wow, is it easy.  She's shielded, but there's mines around that you can explode to knock her out, which you can then wail on her with everything you've got.  The only attack she has is shooting you with plasma blasts.  The first time I fought her, it took less then three minutes.  That's longer then the first boss, in fact, the first boss you face is tougher then her, he has a more powerful attack, bigger health, and multiple attacks.

3: Borderlands: The Destroyer

This is what happens when you leave food in the fridge for too long

 The whole "plot" of Borderlands was focused around getting four pieces of the key for the Vault, said to hold unimaginable riches.  The Vault was built by the eridians, a extinct alien race which helped advance humanity several centuries, when they discovered a small weapons cache.

However, when you get there, expecting a huge fight with local Atlas(generic evil corp) forces, the Vault opens and The Destroyer comes out.  As you can see, he is quite formidable.  I was terrified when I saw him.

And then we fought.  And dear god, was it boring.  Why?  Well, it's health is extremely high, I spent more then fifteen minutes killing this thing, the only breaks between shooting were reloading  It's attack is also high, although it's not anything you haven't see before, although it only has two attacks, trying to spear you with its tongue, and eyebeams.  The only reason you have any trouble, is the frigging time!  You take so much time, that your bound to get hit.  To make it worse, the destroyer has two tentacles wrapped around two pillars, which you can shoot at... behind cover.  


The Destroyer isn't fun.  It's a regular enemy, with extremely high health and firepower, which does not make a fun boss. 

2: Elder Scrolls Oblivion: Mehrunes Dagon

Oh my god, Sloth has cracked.

Mehrunes Dagon was a immortal Daedric prince, who controlled Oblivion, a hell dimension.  This guy attempts to invade the world of Elder Scrolls, and he succeeds.  He destroys a city without the country being alerted, and kills almost everybody in it.  Heck, he invades and nearly destroys Imperial city, the greatest and most well protected city in the entire world.

Wow, this guy sounds awesome!  Well, look at Mehrunes Dagon.  He's large, but compared to the Daedric foot soldiers at his command, he looks really generic.  He looks like the goblins around the world.  Making something large is a really bad attempt to make them look intimidating and all-powerful.  Also, why can't he wear clothes?  Do immortals don't get pants?  

 Ok, so he doesn't look like his reputation, but he must fight like it, right?  Well, better ask one of the programmers, because you don't get to fight him.  Yep, you spend the entire main quest learning how evil and powerful Mehrune is, and no boss fight!  That's like telling someone how you make a mean waffle, and when they ask you to make one, you say you don't have the ingredients to.

What happens is that your supposed to run past him, get into a church, and then the final cut scene starts.  And the final cutscene pulls a resolution right out of its ass.


Ok, The entire plot is that the Emperor was killed, and without a successor, the dragon fires can't be lit.  And the dragon fires keep Oblivion at bay.  So you search for a fabled bastard child of the Emperor out in the middle of nowhere, hoping to find him before Oblivion does.  Of course, it's never explained why only the royal bloodline can do this, or how they got this ability.  Anyway, the plot resolution is that the royal amulet is in fact a religious symbol of the dragon god, and the royal family can call upon it, which the new Emperor does, and for some reason this turns him into a dragon, who then kills the IMMORTAL Oblivion Prince.  And then the Emperor turns back to normal, and then to stone, because that's the price to pay to SAVE ALL REALITY.  Seriously, this god killed the new Emperor, when all of reality was at stake!  Oh, and without a emperor to keep the dragon fires lit, Oblivion will be back again.  What a dick... 

1: Final Fantasy Seven: Sephiroth

He's a FABULOUS villain!

Ok, I'll admit it.  I've never played a Final Fantasy game.  But I've watched my brother play the whole seventh game, and yes, I know it's not the same thing, but to understand why Sephiroth sucked as a boss, you don't have to.


First of all, look at him!  I know this is his second boss form, but his first isn't much better.  It looks like a giant statue, and moves like one too.  I know any FF game has terrible monsters, but this one is just...I mean come on!  You couldn't have thought this looked cool.

This version of him has the attack that BLOWS UP OUR SOLAR SYSTEM.  Read that again.  And how much damage does it do?  Well, it does gravity damage, which brings you down to about 10% health when full, but does practically no damage below that.  So either alot, or none at all, but it's the sun, going fucking SUPERNOVA!  That should be a full party wipe!  Also, it takes more then a minute for him to do his attack, and he will do it at least three times.  He's also really easy, both forms take less time then the combined supernova cutscenes.

Sephiroths evil plan was to create a wound in the planet, which it would bring  life energy to the wound, which he would then absorb, becoming a god.  Yeah the planets literally alive.  To be honest, that's a good villain plan.  Of course, in classic Sqaure Enix fashion, they ruin it by having Sephiroth bring down a comet to cause the wound, which means really he could just plant a couple tons of explosives in the ground.  Or, just dig down twenty feet to get at the life force, which is a physical substance, by the way.  Oh, and it turns out if you drink the life force, you get poisoned.  Uh, anyway, Sephiroth goes to a crater to get the life force and become a god.  Before the meteor hits...

Anyway, you've faced Sephiroth before, but they were Genova clones! Which makes no sense!  She's some sort of space creature thing which has no baring on the plot.  In fact, you face THE Genova right before Sephiroths fight, and she's a better boss.  She looks better, and is more fun to fight.  To make matters worse, in the TWO HOUR trek to Sephiroth, you encounter a little wind-up penguin toy, which is the only enemy in the game that has a instant kill attack, and was harder to kill then the end boss.

To make the final battle even more anti-climatic, those Sephiroth forms you killed?  They were illusions.  And the REAL one you faced, was the one in a black void, which you killed in one hit...Of course!

Yeah, while this was being written, the writers mom died.  It shows.

(If it turns out I'm wrong about FF7 and Oblivion, sorry in advance.)

Just Cuase 2

Isn't everything more awesome if you attach a gun to it?

After watching The Expendables, my mind started to drift towards Just Cause 2.  Why?  Because the Expendables is Just Cause 2: The movie!

Just Cause 2 is the sequel to Just Cause, but don't worry, they aren't direct sequels.  They use the same characters and universe, but it doesn't take place right afterwards.  I would talk more about the original, but I know very little about it, so moving on.

The story of Just Cause focuses on Rico Rodriguez, an agent for the Agency(CIA).  He specializes in regime changes, taking out tyrants in third world countrys so the Agency can put in governments loyal to the USA.  Rico is sent to Panu to track down his friend and mentor, Tom Sheldon.  Sheldon was in the Asian island of Panua, investigating why the tyrant of Panua, Baby Panay, suddenly severed his ties with the USA.  However, Sheldon suddenly stopped communicating with the Agency, forcing the Agency to believe that he went rouge.  To find Sheldon, Rico will have to get in deep with the criminal elements of Panua.

Sound familiar?  Like, oh... Golden Eye?  The plot is every single James Bond film and action cliche put in a blender.  Which then exploded.  And it is AWESOME.  Whats great about the plot, is that it doesn't even try to take itself seriously.

This is exemplified by the characters, who are a bunch of stereotypes.  Although there are several, the prominent ones are Rico, Sheldon, and Baby Panay.  Rico is half James Bond, half Scorpion from Mortal Combat, and half awesome.  Sheldon is the American stereotype, also known as the Texan stereotype.  Baby Panay is...well...

Get your hands off my lucky charms!

Yeah.

Anyway, the island is huge.  And I mean HUGE, like 250 square kilometers of land or more.  Not only that, the environments are varied too.  Although most of it is jungle, some is a normal city, snowy mountains, and rocky deserts.  The villages and towns also change in appearance, in the mountains there giant Asian castles, and in the desert there vaguely Arabic.  That's not to say that only the towns are interesting, there's other stuff around the island, like ruins, wrecks, and dead whales.

Also, there's alot of vehicles here, 104 in total.  Most can be found driving around, and only a couple are found "hidden" all over the island.  The vehicles include cars, trucks, boats, bikes, helicopters, and airplanes, ranging from civilian to military vehicles.  The driving mechanics are also incredibly realistic, and by that I mean hard.  Most vehicles drive fine on roads, and even dirt ones, but off road, most civilian ones are nearly uncontrollable.  Most driving games have cars that turn on a dime, which isn't how cars work.  Even better, the airplanes act like cars that fly.  What I mean is that there's only four directional controls: up and down, and spinning the plane right or left.  It's hard to control the plane this way, but really fun and realistic.  However, it's almost impossible to shoot with them this way.

The weapons you have available are small, but the ability to choose a left and right hand weapon makes the selection seem larger.  You can call a helicopter belonging to the black market to drop off vehicles and weapons.  Here you can go to towns you already visited and upgrade the vehicles and weapons here.  You find weapon and vehicle upgrade parts in towns, and as rewards for completing missions.  

This sums up Just Cause 2 in one picture.

But what do you use these guns and vehicles for?  Well, the gameplay is this: Explosions.  Either causing them or watching them.  You see, to progress in the game, you need to blow things up, which causes Chaos, which unlocks missions and stuff on the black market.  However, this also causes heat, which will bring soldiers to try to kill you.  It's repetitive, but it's really fun.  

Well, there is one game mechanic that stops the repetitiveness.  The grappling hook, with 75 meters(247 feet!)of rope, which is just awesome.  You can pull people to you, cling to building, slingshot your way from danger, and leap from car to car with it.  Even better, you can dual grapple, which will link to objects together, so you can attach a soldier to a moving car, a plane to a statue, or a guy to an explosive barrel.  It's awesome.

The graphics are good, and the animations are excellent, especially considering that most game companys don't bother with them that much.  Also, as you get farther away, models become less detailed, instead of just disappearing.

If you always wanted to star in an action movie, play this game.  If you like shooters, play this game.  If you can turn off your brain for the duration of it, play this game!  Seriously, try it out.  It has a extremely good demo, expect for the time limit, and that can be deactivated with a pacth.

Star Wars: A New Hope

Ahh, Star Wars.  Everybody knows and loves this series.

Well, expect me.  Don't get me wrong, I love A New Hope, but The Empire Strikes Back was mediocre, and the Return of the Jedi was kinda bad.  All three are still miles above the pre-trilogy.

Anyway, despite what George Lucas claims, Star Wars was originally a stand alone film, and only after sequels were announced was its name changed to a New Hope, and Lucas started claiming that he had all six scripts in his head since day one.

To make it worse, Lucas has been making small changes to his movies ever since they were released, meaning the original shown in movie theaters is probably worth thousands.

Heh.  Comb the desert.

The version I have is the DVD collection, with the most obvious changes being added CGI effects, all of which are unnecessary and distracting, and in one case even hurts the plot.  For example, during the scene where stormtroopers are combing the sand, he added lizard mounts to the scene, and this doesn't add anything to the scene.  It's distracting the way the lizards walk and no one pays attention to them, and the constant groans they make.

Even worse, after the Greedo scene, Han Solo meet Jabba outside the Millennium Falcon.  But wait, Greedo said that Jabba was done talking with him.  So is Jabba looking for him, as well as sending out bounty hunters.  Oh, and the CGI Jabba looks worse then the animatronic Jabba.

Star Wars is a mix of sci fi and fantasy, and the setting is what I call a junker future, where instead of the normal shiny smooth ships and buildings they're clunky and dirty.  As far as I know, this was the first time a major motion picture featured either of these.

Well, we've spent forever setting this up, onward to the review!

The first piece of business to address is the prologue.  First off, prologues like this are a sign that the person writing, really shouldn't.  There almost always pointless, and, this is a movie.  you know, moving pictures?  All I see are moving words.  Ugh, and the text.  If it goes more then a third up the screen, I can't see it, because of that stupid slant.  Also, why is it in space?  Is there a natural phenom that creates giant words?  What are they called?  Exposition holes?  Oh man, imagine the headlines...  "Today, an Imperial Destroyer was caught in a comma."

Anyway, might as well start on the ship design.  As stated previously, there clunky and industrial, and I love it.  They look great, and it kinda gives the impression that life isn't good this decade.  In terms of special effects, they also look realistic, ironically more realistic then the later CGI effects.

The costumes are pretty bad.  Not as bad as Star Trek, but come on, the stormtroopers look like they were wrapped in plastic.  The sand-people look even worse.  What was Lucas trying to do with them?

Dance Luke.  Dance for Lucas.

Speaking of costumes, let move onto the characters, and dear god are they two dimensional.  Seriously, Luke is kind, friendly, and hates the Empire.  And that's it.  You could call him rash, but it only appears when the plot says so.  Obi Wan doesn't really have a personality.  He's just...wise.  These are two major characters!  Lukes Uncle, who we never learn the name of, has more personality.  He doesn't want Luke to leave, because he cares about Luke, he disapproves of the Jedi, doesn't mind if he breaks the laws if it helps him, and is ruthless in a business setting.


So why hasn't this been pointed out before?  One word: Actors.  Seriously, this is frigging great acting here.  It's so good that it actually fills in the character holes.  For example, when R2D2 says hello to Luke, Luke responds, but it's in a tone of voice that says he's just humoring the droid.  And I don't give Lucas enough credit to write that in there.

Speaking of Luke, why DOES he hate the Empire?  No answers?  Really?  Seriously, The first evil act is them boarding a ship with incredibly sensitive information aboard it.  Then they kill people who have been in contact with the droids who carry it.  Ok, extreme actions, but it's actually reasonable.  I mean, this information could break the Empires back.  And then they...blow up a planet.  What!  Why?  They say it's a demonstration, but, Jesus, it's a space station, THE SIZE OF A MOON.  In fact, I would call it more like a ship, since it can move, and presumably enter hyperspace.  It has an fleet of ships on it, and thousands of turrets on it.  Believe me, you don't need a demonstration.  In the expanded universe, the Empire is responsible for several genocides on non-humans.  But we don't see that in the film.

Lets talk about something else in the star wars uinverse: Slavery.  The droids in Star Wars are obviously sentient.  They can make decisions on there own, R2D2 and C3P0 got out of the ship on their own, and yes, R2D2 did it on orders, but C3P0 did it of his own free will.  So why is it these guys are sold to an owner?  Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this...

The story is...well...it's...I don't have a problem with it.  I mean, it's basicly just some kid joins a terrorist organization and takes down a military citadel, but it's not bad.  Or at least it wouldn't be if the writing wasn't terrible.


In case you can't tell by now, there's alot of plot holes and lack of explanation.  Lucas, I love your ideas, but please.  Stop writing.  Put down the pen.

The Punisher, 2004 moive

I want this comb.

The Punisher was originally a vigilante and antagonist in the Spider man comics.  However, he became popular enough to appear in other comics.  He even got his own comicbook for awhile.  He even starred in some movies, and that is what we're here to talk about.

The first Punisher movie was released in 1989, and was universally disliked.  In 2004 a reboot to the series was made, and it was also disliked, although DVD sales were high.  Despite the relative popularity of the 2004 Punisher, the 2008 Punisher film was another series reboot, and was also universally disliked.

But lets not talk about those crappy films, lets focus on the awesome that is The Punisher, the 2004 movie. And it is awesome!

The film follows Frank Castle, a FBI agent who goes does incredibly dangerous undercover operations, and as a consequence, he and his family moves around alot.  His last undercover operation had him as the right hand man of an international arms dealer.  During a deal in Tampa, Florida, The FBI come in and stop the deal.  They "kill" Castle, but everything goes wrong when one of the dealers panic, and opens fire, and when the bullets stop whizzing, most of the dealers are dead and one of the customers.  The problem being is that the dead customer is the son of Howard Saint, a gang boss who owns Tampa.  And he is extremely vengeful.  Castle is found out, and Howard sends hitmen to kill Castle and his family.  The only problem is, well, he survives.  That is the plot.  Castle getting revenge on Howard.

It might sound boring, but how they get revenge one each other is fascinating.  There are some great minor points in the film.  Not plot points, just little moments.  For example, in one scene Castle tears his gravestone out of the cemetery, and puts it in Howards golf course, where this happens:

If I get killed by a gang, do this to my gravestone.

 Sweet...

Speaking of plot points, there's alot of them in here too, although there extremely subtle.  In one scene Howard tells his friend and bodyguard to dance with his wife.  Yeah, I'll get on that weirdness later.  Anyway, they dance, and Howard watches them very closely, while his friend stays extremely polite, you know, not sliding his hand over her butt, or anything like that.  Yeah, this is actually a set-up for a extremely interesting revenge sub-plot.

The characters...actually don't have have alot of depth.  I mean, there not bad, but it isn't something you'll remember.  I do love the support characters, the three people who live on the same floor as Castle when he moves into the slum apartment, but Castle and Howard aren't going to be known as complicated characters.

The music, oh man the music.  All of the music in the movie uses the same basic tune, and depending on your point of view, it's either lazy, or a nice theme.  I love it, and on top of that the music is just plain good.

The action in the film is great.  It's fast, but you can still take in the details, and the gun physics are actually realistic(Bullets actually have inertia!).  Can't say the same about damage...  Yeah, Castle should be dead three times over even before the halfway point.

There are some things wrong with The Punisher.  The first one is the editing.  One time a barbecue exploded four times, or a car has just drove around the corner in the distant, but in the next shot it's just starting to drive around the corner.  These don't happen often, but when they do, it's really annoying.

The second thing is the...well, the film is kinda removed from reality.  It's not bad, but it's...weird.  Actually, it acts like a comicbook.  Like the scene where Howard tells his friend to dance with his wife, that's something that wouldn't happen in real life.

One last thing:  The actor who plays Frank Castle is amazing.  Not because he's a good actor, but because he fits the role so well.  Even his voice sounds like the Punisher. I can't imagine anyone else in the role of the Punisher now.

This film is great.  It's a great action film with a good plot/storytelling, and is miles beyond James Bond films, which I use to consider the best in that regard.  So go buy the extended edition now!  Don't make me send the Russian after you...

In Soviet Russia, Waldo find you!

Champions Online

Cryptic is a game developer known for there MMOs, and especially known for City of Heroes, the first superhero MMO.  There latest releases are Star Trek Online and Champions online.

Oh yes.  I went there.

I dislike reviewing MMOs because there constantly changing.  The only MMO I wouldn't mind reviewing would be World of Warcraft.

I could an entire reveiw on the hour long demo I've played of Star Trek Online, but we're not here to talk about that.  But first some history.

City of Heroes was a pretty generic MMO, gameplay wise.  Concept wise, it was unique.  Unlike most MMOs, it wasn't in space, or in a fantasy world.  It was in a normal city, as normal as a city with superheros could be, anyway.

Yeah, your character was a superhero.  You could customize them to an amazing degree, including there powers, and it wasn't just a change of graphics.  Two people of the same class with different powers could have completely different play styles.

Cryptic also released a expansion pack called City of Villains, and that was...disappointing.  The only difference was storylines and the enemy you faced.  Gameplay wise, it was the same.  There was the novelty of playing a villain, but aside from that, no reason to buy.  After another expansion that allowed people to build there own missions, Cryptic sold the franchise to NCsoft.  Why?  No idea.

They started to work on Marvel online, but that was canceled, so they changed it to Champions online instead.  It's based on the Champions pen and paper RPG, which is renowned for it's customization.

And Champions Online fully lives up to that.  This has the best character customization I've ever seen.  Unlike City of Heroes, you can make non-human characters, there's a back option, capes and trench coats are available at the beginning, and you can make certain costume pieces glow.  I haven't even gotten to the powers yet.

She tried to kill me with a ATV!  Wait...

City of Heroes has a normal class system, expect you get to pick your powers, the most obvious being what type of damage you do.  In Champions, the class system doesn't exist.  Instead, there's powersets, which a bunch of similar powers bound together.  There's the munitions powerset, fire powerset, and might powerset to name a few.  There is no penalty for picking powers outside of the powerset you choose for your character, in fact it's almost required, since you'll run out of powers to choose from if you stick to one powerset.

Then, there's the stat system.  Stats are not affected by powersets, but instead by inherent traits and talents.  Inherent traits are coupled with powersets as a rough guide to what type of stats you should develop for that powerset.  For example, the munitions inherent trait is quick trigger, which increased your ego and dexterity stats, making your critical shots do more damage and more often, respectfully.  Talents are not affiliated with any powerset, and work similar to traits, expect that you can have more then one.  The main way you increase stats is by equipping items that drop from enemies or as quest rewards.

Basically, there are almost no restrictions when creating your character.

So, the customization is awesome, hows the gameplay?  The best way to describe it is this: Fast.  a average fight will lasts about 10 seconds, a boss 30 seconds.  Unlike other MMOs, there are very few powers with cooldowns, and even then most are 10 seconds or less.  Instead, there's the energy meter.  Almost all powers cost energy, and while it does regenerate out of combat, the best way to gain energy is to use an energy
builder power.  They took the magic gameplay from most MMOs and actually made it fun.  When I first played this, I didn't notice much difference at first, but now I can't go back to a regular MMO.  The battles take sooooo long.  Almost forgot, you can block in this game.  Blocking can reduce damage taken down to a fraction, but you can't use any powers while blocking.

That being said, the battles are really easy.  I rarely go down to half health when fighting bosses.  To get any challenge, I set the difficulty to hard, and even then, that only affects instanced missions.  Worse, the powers aren't balanced that well, meaning some are too weak or too powerful, or just plain useless.

City of the future!

The environments you go to vary immensely.  The locations available include a futuristic city, ancient underwater temples, irradiated trailer parks, haunted burial grounds, and dinosaur infested jungles.

One of the problems with this game is the music, which every game cryptic has made has the same problem.  The music is usually just ok, but what's really annoying is that it doesn't loop.  Seriously, try to play a game in complete silence.  Not that fun, is it?

For those who like player versus player, you might want to play another game.  I haven't done it in Champions myself, but I've heard it's rather limited.

I better mention on the one feature this game is known for: The nemesis system.  Yes, you are able to create your own Nemesis, and it's fun.  However, there's alot wrong with it.  You can't customize minions, instead just choosing premade ones.  You can't even change the color of them, or choose certain minions for certain classes.  Neither can you choose your nemesis powers, instead just choosing there powerset.  You can choose your minions personality, but there's only three to choose from, mastermind, brute, and manic, nor is there a way to choose your relationship with your nemesis.  That being said, the nemesis missions are some the best missions you'll ever face, and there also pretty challenging to solo.  The nemesis system is planned to be expanded on in the next patch.  Or soon anyway.  This year.  At lest the start of next year.

 For those of you played Champions pen and paper, Champions Online lore is close the pen and paper version.  Cryptic worked with Hero games to create Champions.  I wish the same thing could be said for Star Trek Online...

I usually wouldn't mention this, but the role playing community in champions is large.  This, with the character customization, means that if your a roleplayer, you should check the game out.

The graphics in the game are pretty good, and they attempt to mimic the comic book style.

In closing, I say check this out.  The demo is extremely limited, so avoid that, but starting on September first, Champions online will be free to play.  This ends on September seventh.

The Last Exorcism Trailer

So, I missed the last two weeks because of my computer exploding.  Well, I will post three reviews on Sunday.  but as a bonus, I'm going to review the trailer of the last exorcism.

 

Bwahahaha!

Oh my god, I need to watch that again.

It's like they wanted to do the poltergeist neck twist thing, but didn't have the budget, so the simply had the girl twist her head to the side as hard as she could, and then had someone eat celery.  Seriously, you can do everything that the girl does in the trailer.

My favorite part by far is when the girl is asked where's Nell, and she answers in the fire, and then this happens:

Oh my god!  HAIR!

Also, are we supposed to be afraid of the girl I could take out in one punch?  I mean, really, she's like what, 14?  In one part, you even see the priest holding the girl.  Successfully.  And lets not forget that they not only have a heavy camera, but also a shotgun. 

The scariest part of the trailer is where she's sitting on the the cabinet, and even then my reaction would be this:

"What the hell are you doing?"
"..."
"Get down from there!"
"..."
"Fine.  Whatever."

The part where she's crawling on the ceiling?  That's the floor.  The cameras just upside down.

According to wikipedia, the stuff the girl does includes:
Beating a cat to death with the camera
drowning a doll
walking five miles
tackling someone
and being an attention whore.

Beating a cat to death is cruel and evil on the human level, but for a demon?  Not really.  Also, why the hell did the cat sit around when Nell tried to hit it?

One last thing: The Dawn of the Dead that they advertise on the trailer, it's only one producer, and it's the remake of Dawn of the Dead, not the original.

Delay

My computers graphic card decided to die on me, but didn't tell me, so for the past month I've been trying to fix the software, only to realize, when I've already uninstalled the operating system and are perapring to reinstall it, that the graphics card fan has died.

And yes, I did check the fans, but I missed my graphics card fan for three reasons:
1: it's incredbly small and can only be seen head on, not from the side.
2: it's on the bottom of the card, and the card is near the bottom of the computer
3: durr, whats a hardware?

Oh, and even better: Now windows refuses to install.  So I'm without a computer.  And this is from my labtop, which  can barely run word.

Metro 2033, the book

(Delayed because of something incredibly important, and totally not because I forgot)

After the fresh breath of air that Plants vs. Zombies gave, whats next?

Oh.  Great.  Back to the depressing stuff.

Metro 2033 was written by Dmitry Glukhovsky, a reporter in Moscow, and his book was published in 2005.  It's incredibly popular, with international publishing rights in 20 countries.

It was so popular, that a game by the same name was released in March.  And you need to play it.  Now.  Right now.  That game is the only game I can't think of how to improve it.

Anyway, I'll point out the differences out in my Metro 2033 game review.

Covers aren't very important in books, but lets focus on it anyway.  The cover I have is the paperback version, and I do like the cracked words and the font.  And that's about it.  Why's the title in the Death Stars exhaust port?  And why is it bleeding?  Have the zerg infested it?  Now that's something I want to see, the Empire versus protoss!

What really matters in books is the back of it, where the synopsis is.  Sentences in quotation marks are directly from the back of the book.

"The Year is 2033.  The World has been reduced to rubble.  A few thousand live on, not knowing if they are the only survivors on the planet."  It all started when Sarah Palin was elected for 2012...

"They live in the Moscow Metro, the biggest air-raid shelter ever built.  It is humanity's last refuge.  It is a world without a tomorrow, with no rooms for dreams, plans, or hopes.  Feelings have given way to instinct, the most important of which is survival.  Survival at any price."  Which is 79.99.

"VDNKh is the northernmost inhabited station on its line and still remains secure.  But now a new and terrible threat has appeared.  Artyom, a young man living in VDNKh, is given the task of penetrating to the heart of the Metro, to the legendary Polis, to alert everyone to the awful danger and get help.  He holds the future of his native station in his hands, the future of the metro, and maybe the whole of humanity."  Unfortunately, Artyom had recently been eating a sloppy joe.

This is a pretty good synopsis.  It sets up the world, accurately sums up the plot, and it gets you interested in the story, something most fail to do.

Anyway, into the book itself.  As stated by the synposios, it takes place after world war three, which pretty much destroyed the entire planet. It is never answered if anyone else survived, although it is implied that Moscow is the last pocket of humanity, or at least the last one in Russia. 

Early on it is established that life in the metro is one step from extinction.  The book opens with Arytom during guard duty, and there you find about the dark ones.  The dark ones are mutants that are attacking Arytoms homestation, VDNKh.  The dark ones are one of the creepier villains I've seen.  Well, first off, their an oily black, completely white eyes, faces that seem to be more of a mockery of one rather then an actual face, and, oh yeah, they destroy peoples minds.

Artyom meets Hunter, who was sent there to combat the dark ones.  Hunter gives Artyom a important mission before he leaves to defeat the dark ones: If he isn't back by tomorrow, go to Polios and tell Melnik.  It is never said, but it is heavily implied that Hunter and Melnik belong to some sort of paramilitary organization that protects the Metro.

Of course, Hunter doesn't return.  So Artyom goes off on a perilous journey across the entire Metro.

I might as well as state this now: This is how you make a good "From point A to point B" storyline.  Don't make going from point A to B completely pointless, or make you leave point B to go to point C immediately afterwards, just put alot of shit in the protagonist way.  And I do mean shit, because Artyom travels on the surface, which is slightly safer then living on mars, gets captured by Nazis, and even becomes a slave at one point.

There's alot of detail put into this world.  Each station act has its own rulers, traditions, and markets.  You even get a little history behind the Metro, like the war between the Hanse(merchants) and the Red Line(communists).  Through Artyoms travels, you get alot of stories told between people, like the tale of a station where everybody just disappeared, where a group of soldiers in a tank managed to create a small community in the middle of nowhere on the surface, and the satanic cult that enslaves people to dig a hole into hell itself.

That being said, there is NOTHING happy in the entire book.  if you randomly read a paragraph, chances are you'll put it down and go drink yourself to death.  Seriously, Artyom gains a companion, then instantly loses him when the station he's at is attacked, and he gains another one, and then there both captured by Nazis, who then dies, and Arytom nearly does as well.  And the ending, dear god, the ending.  It ends exactly how you think it ends, Arytom defeats the dark ones, but...but...My god, last minute information is a bitch.

Metro 2033 is well written book, with a deep and inventive world, but it's so depressing that I can't really recommended it, but if you think you can stand it, go for it.

Plants vs. Zombies

The horrible Alone in the Dark review, the disappointing games list, and after reading Metro 2033, I need something cartoony, something good, something...like...

Oh hell yeah!

Plants vs. Zombies was made by PopCap games, the same people who made such mindless games like Bejeweled, Peggle, and Insaniquarium.

The game has a profile system instead of a standard save system.  Although Plants vs. Zombies has several minigames, there locked until you play the main game.

 The game starts with your house being attacked by zombies.  And that's the plot of the game.  defend your house.  With plants.

The gameplay is a simple tower defense game, expect that the path the enemies take is the same one you build defenses.  To build defenses, you need sun, which falls from the top of the screen, or produced by sunflowers.  What?  It makes sense.

While on the subject of plants, lets talk about some of the plants at your disposable.  After every campaign level you beat, you get a plant or a new ability.  Some of the plants you get are: wall-nut, puff-shroom, snow pea(which freezes zombies), split pea(shoots three peas), and plantern.

Although they do go heavy on the plant based puns, it's limited to names only.  There's a huge variety of plants to use against the different zombies.  Unfortunately, you won't use most of them, but it does give you the option to experiment with different defenses.

The zombies you face come in a variety of increasingly difficult forms, like traffic cone zombie, bucket zombie, football zombie, and the most dangrous, evil creature ever.

A Zomboni!

That's not even the most ridiculous enemy in the game.  Here's a hint: it follows the zomboni on the ice.  No, not zombie penguins, although there is a zombie dolphin.

There are several environmental hazards in the game, including nightfall, fog, and the pool.  these force you to tweak your defense to allow you to win.

On that subject, the game isn't that difficult.  I doubt you'll ever come close to losing during the campaign, but that doesn't stop the game being fun.

About a third of the way through the campaign, you'll unlock crazy Crazy Dave's store.  Oh yeah, Crazy Dave.  I could tell you about him, but this is simpler:

Oh, sorry, about that Dave.  I'll let you finish that hedgehog.

In the store you can buy more seed slots, and better plants.  Later on, you unlock Zen Gardening supplies, but I'll tell you about that later.

After you beat the awesome final boss, you can play the campaign again, expect Crazy Dave gets to choose three plants, or you can play the puzzles.  These include: Beghouled, Wall-nut bowling, Invisi-ghoul, and Whack-A-Zombie.

There's also two minigames, known as I, Zombie, and Vasebreaker.  In vasebreaker, you break open vases, which either contain plants or zombies.  Not that fun, because it's just luck, but I, Zombie is where you control the zombies attacking a house.

If for some reason you don't like the minigames, you get to play around in your Zen Garden, where you collect potted plants that drop from zombies.  Taking care of the plants give you money, or you can sell them.  This takes alot of time with little reward, and yet I keep on taking care of it.  I'm starting to think PopCap infused weed into their game.

Overall, this game, although meant as a time-waster, will suck you in until you've wasted 20 hours.  Check this game out.

Anyone who played this notice how Dave seems so friendly to the zombies?  He's the one who created the I, Zombie minigame, he only helps you if you give him a couple thousand, and whenever he appears, a HUGE wave of zombies appear.  Well that's IT.  I'm not putting up with it anymore.  Dave, I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

Alone in the Dark, the movie

It's already here! You're next! YOU'RE NEXT!

I love the Alone in the Dark series, but I've never played the games, just seen playthroughs.  The reason I love this game is the same reason I love Doom, Alone in the Dark created the modern horror games, which for some reason is usually attributed to Resident Evil.

The first three focused around Edward Carnby, a private detective who often found himself in paranormal situation.  In 2001, the series was restarted, with Edward as  a official paranormal investigator, who was investigating the death of his friend on a mysterious island, and uncovers a plot to take over the world.  Of course!  The fifth game in the series was released in 2008, and has nothing to do with the fourth one, and is technically a sequel to the original trilogy.

Anyway, we're not here to talk about the games, but the movie of the same name.

In case your wondering why I didn't say "based on", it's because this movie is directed by Uwe Boll.  And if you don't know who Uwe Boll is... Good.

To be honest, I feel like reviewing this is kinda pointless.  No, not the nostalgia critic review, but this article by Blair Erickson.

The film starts with a two minute text scroll, which is narrated to you.  If your going to have a prologue, have it either be a text scroll or dialogue, not both!  What makes it worse is that the prologue could have easily been told while the story was being told.  In fact it is.  I'm not kidding, they repeat what the prologue said during the film.


Now, after you've aged ten years while waiting for the prologue to end, we get a flashback!

Oh god.  A flashback?  Whats next, an annoying monologuing charact-

"The night was dark...And I was alone..."

 ...

Fuck.

Prologues, flashbacks, or narrators, while they can be used for the powers of good, are usually created because the person writing the script is ten.

The scroll of text tells you that there was once a tribe of Native Americans called the Abkani who died out.  I have no idea why this is a big deal, but apparently it is.  It also says that Bureau 713 is a US paranormal agency, and that there was a experiment where orphaned children were experimented on and turned into half man, half bear, and half pig.  Show of hands, who wants to see Edward vs. Manbearpig.

What does this have to do with the plot? NOTHING!  

The flashback shows a Catholic orphanage, where an old Dr. Quest is taking 20 kids, by striking a deal with the Nun.  Whats the deal?  Uh...er...giving her steel rulers?  One kid runs off, and we see him hiding a eletricity box, and then, flashback over.

Technically the next scene is Edward on a plane, talking with a kid, but screw it, it has even less to do with plot then the next scene.

Edward is picked up by a hippie in a taxi, and we learn that Edward is a paranormal investigator.  Another taxi is following them, and the hippie attempts to lose hm, but he crashes, mainly because Edward tells him to drive into a market filled with people.  I have no idea why Ed thought that would be a good idea, the car was too close behind them to provide a benefit, and actually hinders them.  Especially considering it turns out to be a dead-end.

What follows is the most nonsensical fight scene in the world.  After leaving the hippie in the cab to die, he runs away, and during this time, the taxi chaser runs up the stairs, onto a bridge, jumps off it, and lands on Edward, all in slow motion.  yeah, that takes a full minute.  Taxi man is then thrown through a window, who then smashes through door, and jumps through another window to tackle Ed, who finally falls to the floor, and taxi man grabs a rock from Eds pocket.  Then Ed does a back flip, FROM THE GROUND, ON HIS BACK.  Okay, it was cool looking, but it was physically impossible, and some characters can pull it off, but when Carnby does it, it feels off.  They then enter a...a...I have no idea, all i know is that there's ice on conveyor belts,.  Ed shoots taxi guy, but he just looks annoyed that his shirt now has holes in it.  After stupid stunts, Ed kicks taxi guy onto a box with fish and a pointy stick, which kills him.  Somehow.

It doesn't matter how I describe the fight scene, it will still sound rushed and weird.  Because it is.

After that...we suddenly switch scenes.  yeah, expect those words to be repeated alot.

We're on a boat in the evening, despite the fact it was noon last scene.  Here, all we see is Dr. Quest on it talking with the captain, and a box being lifted out of the water.

This is 70% of the moive.  

Scene change!  Now we're in a museum with a blond chick, who talks with some delivery dudes, which tell us about the Abkani.  


Scene change!  Now we're with Edward walking home, who looks like he's being followed.  But he isn't.  Unless you count the cameraman.


Okay, I can't keep the scene changes straight anymore, I'm going to just organize it by character.


Old Dr. Quest is locked in the room by the greedy captain, because the box they found was made out of gold.  When the captain unlocks it, a monster emerges and kills them all.  Oh yeah, it's night now, despite the next scene change shows it's noon in the city scenes.  Space is broken, time is warped, left is right, and the cake is true.  Uwe Boll still sucks though.


Quest somehow gets out of his locked room, and finds everybody dead and the ship docked.  At this point, I'm surprised that Uwe Boll still remembers that this scene is on a boat. 


At the museum, we see blonde...and nothing happens.  I'm serious, until she meets Edward, her scenes are pointless.


Edward is at his home, and he lives in a furniture warehouse.  He monologues somemore, and then his decoder ring artifact which he suddenly has, and it emits a ring, which causes him to fall over, and causes some people to stop what there doing and...walk off the movie.  Okay.


Ed learns of the people who disappeared, and talking with his buddy from Bureau 713, and learns that...

You know what, screw it, it doesn't matter, lets skip forward.

Edward goes to the museum after learning that all the people who disappear came from the orphanage Ed was in.  He finds blonde, who hugs him, and then slaps him.  Blonde and Edward are supposed to be a couple, and then Ed left, but it's never stated in the movie.  So where did Carnby go?  Hell if i know, that's not important enough for the film.

After learning that the ring was found in different parts of the world, there attacked.  How the hell did Native Americans bury the pieces of the decoder ring all over the world?  No answer?  I hate this movie...

Edward and blonde are then attacked by a Xenomorph from Aliens, and then Bureau 713 comes in and saves the day.  Here are some of the worse props I've ever seen.  At the end of the fight, a guy with a labtop comes up and says, "scanners clear!".  I had no idea Dell labtops could sense aliens.  Oh, and all the soldiers body armor have abs.
After this, Edward goes see his friend from 713, who tells him about the creature he fought.  Called a Xeno, these creatures appear all over the world, and light, gold, magnesium, and phosphorous are deadly to them.  They also disrupt electricity, causing flickering lights, but the closer the light to the power source, the less disruptions, which is a really lame excuse to keep the flashlights but make everything else flicker.  Eds friend gives him some magnesium bullets, which are bullets, with LED lights.  Uwe Boll doesn't know what magnesium is, does he?

When I heard what the monster were called, I expected the final fight to be against a queen and all the soldiers to equip flamethrowers. 

Blonde and Edward go back to his place, and they start making out.  I don't think Walmart will be happy when they come to pick up their bed.

Here's a bunny to take the pain away

And then, monsters attack.  Just like that.  The fight is incredibly boring, expect for the fact that the Xenos act like there drunk, brawling into walls, running full speed into doors.  oh, and a couple dozen evil people come in and try to kill them too.

I get that these people are supposed to be the orphans who were experimented on, but there was only 19.  but you see alot of people, more then 19.

713 comes in again and some get killed by people who are completely unarmed.  yeah, 713 sucks at its job.

Here is the scene that this movie is infamous for.  Edward shoots at some evil lady, and the bullet leaves the gun, and it PASSES OVER HER HEAD, but she falls down dead.  Looking at this scene carefully, you see a bullet being fired behind Edward, which goes much faster and is smaller then Eds bullet.  the next scene shows the smaller bullet hit the woman, along with a spray of blood, but it's so small you'll miss it if you don't slow it down.  I think one of the digital effects people got fed up with the film and put in there against Bolls wishes.

This starting to suck away my will to live, so I'm going to finish it up.

They go to an island, 713 sets up a defense, Edward and blonde goes in the mine, 713 gets attacked and killed by Xenos despite the fact the have miniguns with LED bullets, and Edward finds that the orphan experiment was funded by 713, they accidentally open up a doorway into hell where a whole bunch of Xenos are waiting, they blow up the entrance, run away, and escape to the orphanage which is conveniently next to a exit in the mine.  Oh, and Dr. Quest was in charge of the experiments, but I have no idea why he wanted to open the door.  And Edward finds that the Nun killed herself by carving crosses on her wrists.  uh...deep?  oh, and it turns out that the entire USA has now disappeared.  Everyone's gone, expect for Ed and blonde.  No, i have no idea what happened.

That's Alone in the Dark, a confusing jumble of events, where the only plot is that there's a gateway underground.  If you wan to get this movie to laugh at it, don't.  if you have friends, yeah, it'll be funny at first, but as you dwell on it, it will drive you mad.  Mad! MAD!  MMMMAAAADDDD!!